WHY I PRAY FOR MY ABUSERS

Have you ever prayed for those who hurt you? It's hard the first few times, isn't it? It doesn't feel natural - it feels hard. Wrong, even. I remember thinking "I'd better get this right because I don't want to do it again." In my mind, praying for my abusers was a one-time event and then I'd pass some sort of cosmic test and be done with the whole thing. Wrong! The more I pray for my abusers, the freer I feel. I realize that sounds completely backward, but it's not. When I hold on to unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, or any other negative emotion, it mainly hurts me. It's like drinking poison and expecting my enemy to suffer the consequences. It will not work. I am the one who needs to take responsibility for my own thoughts and actions. 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. - Matthew 5:43-48 (NIV)

Lao-Tze famously said "Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." While I don't completely buy into the destiny part of that statement, I do believe that thoughts and words ultimately affect our actions, which affect our character. 

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. -Proverbs 4:23

When we allow bitterness, hatred, anger, pain, or any other negative emotion to overtake us, we become bitter, hateful, angry, pain-causing human beings. This isn't to say that we shouldn't allow ourselves time to feel and process big feelings. We absolutely should! That's what therapy, prayer and quiet time with God are for. What I am saying is that we should not allow it to control us. 

There is a season for pain, there are more seasons for healing, thriving, and living into the plan God has for our lives. Don't sit for so long in the pain that it becomes your entire world.

You're not a tree. You're not planted in one area, expected to stay there for life. Move away from the abuse, from the pain into something better - a renewed heart, stronger faith in God, and total healing. Know that it is a process and will take a long time. Don't expect it to come easily and don't attempt it alone. Here's a great resource to jump-start your healing today: Faithful Counseling Online

Have I forgiven my abusers? Yes, however, it's a choice I must make daily - sometimes hourly. Some triggers hit my emotional buttons sometimes and I have to take a moment to stop and pray for God to grant me the strength to forgive them. I don't have the ability on my own. I need God's help. 

Just because I pray for my abusers, that doesn't mean I want to hang out with them or even be in the same room as them. I don't even want to be in the same town! God has given me a unique love for them in that I don't desire any harm to come to them. I hope to see them reformed, in Heaven with me someday. I like knowing that God is so big He can change and heal everybody. That tells me that no matter what I personally go through, God's got me in His hands and there's absolutely nothing for me to worry about. 

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

 

 

 

PEACE IN WALKING AWAY

     Today is the day it happened for the first time. Today, I received a piece of mail from my dead mother. She tried to bypass my authority and send my daughter something from Amazon. Rather than run in circles trying to prevent this from happening again by contacting Amazon, I simply boxed up the items, included a copy of the court records where my stepdad plead guilty to abusing me, and sent it back to them with the words “YOU ARE DEAD TO US” written on the back. I also included a short warning at the bottom of the note, stating that “any further attempts to communicate with us would result in legal action.” I intend to follow through. No more will I be gaslit, lied to, or emotionally abused. And I certainly will not allow my children to be, either.

The most empowering moment in a victim’s life is when we have the peace of mind to walk away and no longer care what happens to our abuser(s). We can hold our heads high, knowing we bear no shame and no responsibility for their actions. Charles Swindoll once said, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." React with outward indifference and reveal your deepest emotions first to God and then to those who are closest to you, and who have proven their loyalty. Your abuser(s) will simply feed off your raw emotions, gaining a sick sense of satisfaction from having pierced you once again. Let them go. Smile and make them wonder what you’re thinking. Better yet, walk the other way and avoid them altogether. They are not worth your time.

“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. – Matthew 18:6

            Being an adult orphan is weird. There have been nights I dreamed of my mother drowning in her sorrow and regret. I woke up, wanting to reach out and save her – wanting to tell her that it would all be okay someday. Thankfully, reason took over and I remembered that if I were to do that – call her and comfort her – it would begin again the cycle of emotional abuse and neglect that has been going on for 39 years. At some point, someone must be the adult and stop this. She is unable to. It had to be me. The good news is that I will find healing from this. The bad news is that she likely never will. I feel sorry for her, yet I will not allow that sorrow to control me or cause me to turn back towards an unhealthy lifestyle. My kids need me here and now, healthy. This is my time to be a mother and I don’t want to squander it.        

            If you’ve ever been on a life-saving medication for a lengthy amount of time, I’m sure there has been a moment or two when you’ve pondered whether you could stop the medication for a short time and still be healthy.  During my years of intense psychiatric treatment, I often wondered if I could stop my psychotropic medication for a week or two and pick it back up again as needed. The answer is a rather loud and resounding “no” by the way. Don’t ever try it. Please, for the love of your sanity, don’t try it. I did it a few times over the years, in the thick of things and it was the absolute worst decision at the time. The same can be said for lifting healthy boundaries and allowing unhealthy people to leak back through into your life. You will backslide in a big way. Bigger than you ever imagined, undoing years of work. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous to someone just beginning their healing journey and yes, I realize that some folks must try it themselves to figure it out. I implore you not to if you can help it. Some of us have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, washed it a million times, and hung it out to dry, only to find out the results are the same – or worse – every time.

The discerning sets his face toward wisdom, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth. -Proverbs 17:24

            There is precious little I want more in this life than to hear “well done” when I face judgment day. As a Christian, I want to walk closely with Christ, in obedience to His will. As a wife, I want to love and help my husband achieve his greatest goals in life. As a mother, I want to train my children to love God and obey Him, no matter the personal cost. As a friend, I want to carry my friends to Jesus and walk with them in our moments of joy and need. As a writer, I want to inspire others. All of this I do because Christ first loved me and gave me the strength to overcome every trial that has ever sought to devour me. If I did not heed God’s warnings that evil is not to be tempered with, I would not be healing at all. I would be the same person I was 30-odd years ago, being controlled by an evil, narcissistic, manipulative man and his wife whom I called “mother.”

My blessings from the LORD

Children are a gift and a blessing from the LORD. - Psalm 127:3

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.