AN ARRESTING PERSPECTIVE

   When you’re little, everything seems so much bigger and louder than it is. I remember driving past one of my childhood homes a few years ago and I was shocked by how small the house and property were. We moved from there when I was five years old, and at the time, the house felt like a mansion, the backyard a city park. In reality, I could fit that entire property twice over on my current, modest property of a quarter acre. Perspective is a strange thing, isn’t it? 

This next statement is going to upset a lot of people, and that’s okay. I hate cops. When I see one, I become physically upset. My temperature rises, my jaw clenches and it takes every ounce of my being to remember that I should not flip them off or yell obscenities at them. Often, I will pray for God to grant me a love for cops and heal my anger towards them. I am not even sure anger is the right word. I feel rage and hatred for them. When I was very young, I was touched inappropriately by a cop in uniform that answered a domestic dispute call at my house. He touched me just after several of my stepdad’s drunken friends did. The image is burned deep into my mind of his sinister smile and his challenge for me to “tell someone about it” and see if they believe me, a “snot-nosed kid”. Over the years, the local police would continue to treat me as lower than dirt. As a teenager, I was routinely stalked and harassed by another local cop in high standing. He would eventually go on to become the Lieutenant of the police force. He was instrumental in creating and maintaining a file on my “activities” which included truancy, mental health crises, and information regarding both of my fathers – notorious felons in my home county. What an amazing abuse of power. 

When I was very young, my parents would often host game nights with other families at our home. Sometimes we would go to this awful man’s home up the river. He had a wife and several children. This awful man kept his daughter in a closet in his bedroom. He and his wife both routinely abused her. I suspect her oldest brother did as well. He was a bully and disgusting. I hated being around him. He was always trying to touch me. His father didn’t even disguise the fact that he found little girls appealing. I remember him visiting my stepdad one winter day and I was asked to bring them both a beer from the fridge. When I proudly returned with the beers, they exchanged stories in front of me about how “good” their daughters were, and how we did everything they asked us to. They were power-hungry and evil beyond measure. I wasn’t more than five years old at the time of this event, yet it is burned into my memory. 

During the game nights and parties my parents through, alcohol flowed freely. All of us kids were directed to play in the back of the house in one of the bedrooms. I wonder if any of the moms knew that when the men took turns going to the bathroom, they also took turns exposing themselves to us kids and sexually assaulting us. All the men. Every time. Welcome to the world of pedophilia rings. It really is happening across America, in small towns, in Christian homes, and probably in your very neighborhood. When I tried to tell a cop about my experience with being abused by multiple men, he demanded that I show him what they did. With his pants down. He never took a report. 

In elementary school, there are many opportunities for teachers to talk about personal safety. We used to have the D.A.R.E. program in my hometown before Student Resource Officers became a thing. During the classes, we would be reminded that when someone touches us inappropriately, we should tell an adult and keep telling adults until they act on the information. There was always a male cop running the class – until I was in the fourth grade. One glorious day in the fourth grade, the local police sent a female cop into my classroom to teach the D.A.R.E. class. At the end of the class, I couldn’t get up from my seat fast enough. I ran to her and blurted out “Someone’s hurting me!” She ushered me outside. My whole class had heard, but I was beyond caring at that point. This adult was going to listen to me and I wasn’t going to shut up until she did something about it. Thank God for that female cop. I don’t remember her name, but I do remember that she listened and acted upon what I was saying. My entire world changed that day in 1993 thanks to her. My heart is softened toward female cops. (Male cops have continued to let me down over the years, but that is a story for another time and another place.)

It took me over six years of telling my story for someone to listen to me and take action. Many, many adults in my life let me down over the years. They knew the truth and they turned a blind eye to the situation. I’m sure heated conversations took place behind closed doors, but it was never enough. The abuse did not stop until I made sure I told the right person who had the power to make it stop. 

If you suspect that someone you love is being abused, don’t simply ask them and take them at their word. You need to look for signs. Here are some signs you should be on the lookout for:

• Problems walking or sitting

• Frequent complaints of sore throat, stomach, head, or bottom

• Will not change for gym or partake in physical activities

• Negative change in appearance

• Recurrent urinary or yeast infections unexplained by medical condition or treatment

• Runs away from home

• Changes in behavior or school performance

• Talks/draws/sings about genitalia, sexual intercourse, or sexual activities frequently.

• Problems with authority figures

Here are some more resources for you to look into:

RAINN - (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 

Help Guide - Signs of Abuse and Neglect 

Child Welfare Government PDF 

Exercise helps me to take back my power and
focus my energy on what matters - healing.

"Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise." - Jeremiah 17:14

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

A LOVE SO DEEP

     Of all the times to believe Jesus, this night was the night. It was time to put the pain to rest and begin the process of healing. My two precious little girls were put safely to bed upstairs in our base housing mansion (that’s how it felt. It was 2,400 square feet of emptiness shared between myself and my two girls – both under age 3). I was preparing myself for a night of pain and torture. By that, I mean, I was preparing to cheat on my husband who was deployed. Did I want to? No. Not even a little bit. So why was I preparing to do this awful thing? I needed to punish myself for not saving her. Sex with anyone other than Anthony was a punishment. It was disgusting, it hurt, and it made me feel terrible and used. It was, in my mind, the perfect punishment for the sin I committed. When I told on my stepdad for abusing me, I didn’t mention that he’d also abused my severely handicapped sister who couldn’t speak up for herself. I honestly, at that time, did not remember it. The memories would float back to the surface years later and I would need to atone for my sin. Many times.

    On the radio played a Christian song, followed by a call from a Preacher of some sort for the listeners to stop in their paths right that very moment and listen to God’s message. I don’t remember the entirety of the message, but I do remember this part – “You are about to go back down a dark path that you were never meant to walk. God is calling you out of this darkness and into the Light. Will you listen to Him? Stop punishing yourself and come into the Light.” That night would be the very last time I punished myself. I cried out internally to God the entire night – “save me! This hurts! Heal me, Lord!” repeatedly, I cried out. If God couldn’t or wouldn’t save me, I was going to have to kill myself. This had to end. I could not endure the punishment any longer, but I had no idea how to crawl out of the pain. This was so much bigger than me.

    The following Sunday at church, the elders and their wives continued to glare at me and give me nasty looks. I was sure they knew what I was up to, but I wasn’t sure how they knew. They hated me from the moment I walked into the church months earlier. Only the Pastor seemed to have any sort of tolerance for me. He was so kind. I wished everyone else was like him. I numbly sat through the service, looking forward to the evening time when I would spend it with other military families, worshipping in a quiet home church that Military Ministry started up years ago. My girls would watch Veggie Tales with other kids in another room, and I could freely explore the complexities of the Christian faith as it pertained to Military families. Truth be told, I remember almost nothing of those evening talks except the feeling of relief when they were over. I abhorred military life, and I merely went through the motions, pretending to be a good wife because I so desperately wanted to be. I thought I could “fake it until I make it.” God had other plans.

    I confessed everything to a Deacon’s wife with whom I had formed a friendship. She advised me to confess to the church leadership. I did. They compassionately offered to help pay for Christian counseling with a counselor nearby who was known to keep an open Bible and utilize prayer as a means of furthering the healing process. It was the absolute most heartbreaking time of my adult life to rehash old memories in explicit detail. I would become triggered and tailspin for days – sometimes weeks. I could barely function as an adult. Getting out of bed was almost impossible, but I did manage to do it. I was barely a mother to my daughters. My heart breaks for them, for all that they needed, but I was unable to provide. My marriage was on the rocks, as it should have been. Yet…God was working in me. It's easier to see it now, 12 years later.

    The church leaders eventually overthrew the Pastor, the church imploded, my family recovered and we left the church. I continued healing. Now, I was waking up at 5 am to spend time in my Bible, reading the psalms, praying for an hour every morning, and digging deeper into the Gospels. I prayed Proverbs 31 every day as well, begging God to make me into one of those women. Everything I had went into my faith life. If God couldn’t or wouldn’t save me – no one could. It was Him or nothing. He did come through. He did save me. He did save my marriage. He did restore my relationships with people close to me. He did protect my daughters. He did save us all. I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I couldn’t. Too much was at stake.

    Seeking God took every ounce of my energy, and I had a lot of help along the way. The Pastor of that church continued to encourage me, as did the deacon’s wife and the deacon himself. I had a neighbor who also prayed with me every day on our shared stoop. I still had Military Ministry and most of all, I still had Anthony. Only by the Grace of God did I still have him. The Bible became my very best friend, and I carried it with me everywhere. Any time I felt a twinge of anxiety, I buried myself in the Word of God until I felt confident that I could fend off the demons circling me. I was Mary Magdalene. I was Gomer, the wife of Hosea. I had to have Jesus in my life every moment or I felt I would die by returning to the horrible sins. Let me be very clear here. I did not do this alone and I did not accomplish any of this in my power. I invited the Deacon’s wife and my neighbor to keep me accountable. They agreed and I handed over a sheet of paper with absolutely every password to every account I owned. Email, Facebook, chat groups, grocery stores, magazine subscriptions…everything. There wasn’t a part of my life that I allowed remaining in the dark. I lived as openly and transparently as possible because I knew that if I allowed even a trace of darkness to encroach upon my space again, I would fall back into old patterns. This meant I threw out everything that encouraged me to sin – books, magazines, CDs, movies, pictures, letters – even my cell phone. I changed my number, changed my email address, got a new Facebook profile, and left my old self to die alone while embracing the new, changed, saved me. To this day, I still must be vigilant to not even look down those same dark pathways I used to walk. How do I do this? Focus on the Light.

    With that, he turned to the woman and said to Simon: “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet. But this woman wet my feet with her tears and wiped them off with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but this woman, from the hour that I came in, did not stop tenderly kissing my feet.  You did not pour oil on my head, but this woman poured perfumed oil on my feet. Because of this, I tell you, her sins, many though they are, are forgiven, because she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little loves little.”   Then he said to her: “Your sins are forgiven.” Those reclining at the table with him started to say among themselves: “Who is this man who even forgives sins?”  But he said to the woman: “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” – Luke 7:44-50

    Jesus saw me the entire time. He knew me before He knit me together in my mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5), as I was born, as I was being abused, as I was stumbling through the difficulties of puberty, as I met and married my husband, as He planned my family and then knit my children together in my womb, as I walked into the church that would turn my life upside down…as I sought Him with every fiber of my being and as I sit now, reflecting on all of it. He sees me tomorrow and all the days of my future. Do you want to know what the most amazing part of all that is to me is? He knew what every moment of my life would look like and He still created me. He still, 2000 years before I was born, knew me intimately and chose to die upon that cross at Calvary. When he breathed His last earthly breath, He did it for you, too. He already knew everything about you intimately as well. Isn’t that amazing? Sit with that a moment. Let it penetrate every part of your being and then pray about it.

 

God, You are always good. You are the very definition of good. You see us at our worst. You love us through all the days of our lives, never leaving us, never forsaking us. Everything that happens in our lives, You find a way to use it for our good and not to harm us. Dear God, I come before you today with a humble heart and surrender my life to you. I believe in your gift of salvation and eternal life because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. God, today I repent and turn from my old way of life. Today I ask for new life through Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank you, God, for forgiving me and making my life brand new. In Jesus' name, Amen.

 When you have some free time later, check out this awesome movie I think you'll like. It's based on the story of Gomer and Hosea and how God used what Gomer intended for bad to do immense good in not only their lives but the lives of an entire nation. Check out Amazing Love The Story of Hosea.

Amazing Love The Story of Hosea

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.

 

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

 

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.