Of all the times to believe Jesus, this night was the night. It was time to put the pain to rest and begin the process of healing. My two precious little girls were put safely to bed upstairs in our base housing mansion (that’s how it felt. It was 2,400 square feet of emptiness shared between myself and my two girls – both under age 3). I was preparing myself for a night of pain and torture. By that, I mean, I was preparing to cheat on my husband who was deployed. Did I want to? No. Not even a little bit. So why was I preparing to do this awful thing? I needed to punish myself for not saving her. Sex with anyone other than Anthony was a punishment. It was disgusting, it hurt, and it made me feel terrible and used. It was, in my mind, the perfect punishment for the sin I committed. When I told on my stepdad for abusing me, I didn’t mention that he’d also abused my severely handicapped sister who couldn’t speak up for herself. I honestly, at that time, did not remember it. The memories would float back to the surface years later and I would need to atone for my sin. Many times.
On the radio played a Christian song, followed by a call
from a Preacher of some sort for the listeners to stop in their paths right that
very moment and listen to God’s message. I don’t remember the entirety of the
message, but I do remember this part – “You are about to go back down a dark path
that you were never meant to walk. God is calling you out of this darkness and
into the Light. Will you listen to Him? Stop punishing yourself and come into
the Light.” That night would be the very last time I punished myself. I cried
out internally to God the entire night – “save me! This hurts! Heal me, Lord!” repeatedly,
I cried out. If God couldn’t or wouldn’t save me, I was going to have to kill
myself. This had to end. I could not endure the punishment any longer, but I
had no idea how to crawl out of the pain. This was so much bigger than me.
The following Sunday at church, the elders and their wives
continued to glare at me and give me nasty looks. I was sure they knew what I
was up to, but I wasn’t sure how they knew. They hated me from the moment I
walked into the church months earlier. Only the Pastor seemed to have any sort
of tolerance for me. He was so kind. I wished everyone else was like him. I
numbly sat through the service, looking forward to the evening time when I would
spend it with other military families, worshipping in a quiet home church that Military
Ministry started up years ago. My girls would watch Veggie Tales with other
kids in another room, and I could freely explore the complexities of the
Christian faith as it pertained to Military families. Truth be told, I remember
almost nothing of those evening talks except the feeling of relief when they
were over. I abhorred military life, and I merely went through the motions,
pretending to be a good wife because I so desperately wanted to be. I thought I
could “fake it until I make it.” God had other plans.
I confessed everything to a Deacon’s wife with whom I had
formed a friendship. She advised me to confess to the church leadership. I did.
They compassionately offered to help pay for Christian counseling with a
counselor nearby who was known to keep an open Bible and utilize prayer as a
means of furthering the healing process. It was the absolute most heartbreaking
time of my adult life to rehash old memories in explicit detail. I would become
triggered and tailspin for days – sometimes weeks. I could barely function as an
adult. Getting out of bed was almost impossible, but I did manage to do it. I
was barely a mother to my daughters. My heart breaks for them, for all that they
needed, but I was unable to provide. My marriage was on the rocks, as it should
have been. Yet…God was working in me. It's easier to see it now, 12 years
later.
The church leaders eventually overthrew the Pastor, the
church imploded, my family recovered and we left the church. I continued
healing. Now, I was waking up at 5 am to spend time in my Bible, reading the
psalms, praying for an hour every morning, and digging deeper into the Gospels.
I prayed Proverbs 31 every day as well, begging God to make me into one of
those women. Everything I had went into my faith life. If God couldn’t or
wouldn’t save me – no one could. It was Him or nothing. He did come through. He
did save me. He did save my marriage. He did restore my relationships with
people close to me. He did protect my daughters. He did save us all. I wouldn’t
take no for an answer. I couldn’t. Too much was at stake.
Seeking God took every ounce of my energy, and I had a lot of help along the way. The Pastor of that church continued to encourage me, as did the deacon’s wife and the deacon himself. I had a neighbor who also prayed with me every day on our shared stoop. I still had Military Ministry and most of all, I still had Anthony. Only by the Grace of God did I still have him. The Bible became my very best friend, and I carried it with me everywhere. Any time I felt a twinge of anxiety, I buried myself in the Word of God until I felt confident that I could fend off the demons circling me. I was Mary Magdalene. I was Gomer, the wife of Hosea. I had to have Jesus in my life every moment or I felt I would die by returning to the horrible sins. Let me be very clear here. I did not do this alone and I did not accomplish any of this in my power. I invited the Deacon’s wife and my neighbor to keep me accountable. They agreed and I handed over a sheet of paper with absolutely every password to every account I owned. Email, Facebook, chat groups, grocery stores, magazine subscriptions…everything. There wasn’t a part of my life that I allowed remaining in the dark. I lived as openly and transparently as possible because I knew that if I allowed even a trace of darkness to encroach upon my space again, I would fall back into old patterns. This meant I threw out everything that encouraged me to sin – books, magazines, CDs, movies, pictures, letters – even my cell phone. I changed my number, changed my email address, got a new Facebook profile, and left my old self to die alone while embracing the new, changed, saved me. To this day, I still must be vigilant to not even look down those same dark pathways I used to walk. How do I do this? Focus on the Light.
With that, he turned to the woman and said to Simon: “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet. But this woman wet my feet with her tears and wiped them off with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but this woman, from the hour that I came in, did not stop tenderly kissing my feet. You did not pour oil on my head, but this woman poured perfumed oil on my feet. Because of this, I tell you, her sins, many though they are, are forgiven, because she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little loves little.” Then he said to her: “Your sins are forgiven.” Those reclining at the table with him started to say among themselves: “Who is this man who even forgives sins?” But he said to the woman: “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” – Luke 7:44-50
Jesus saw me the entire time. He knew me before He knit me
together in my mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5), as I was born, as I was being
abused, as I was stumbling through the difficulties of puberty, as I met and
married my husband, as He planned my family and then knit my children together
in my womb, as I walked into the church that would turn my life upside down…as
I sought Him with every fiber of my being and as I sit now, reflecting on all
of it. He sees me tomorrow and all the days of my future. Do you want to know
what the most amazing part of all that is to me is? He knew what every moment
of my life would look like and He still created me. He still, 2000 years before
I was born, knew me intimately and chose to die upon that cross at Calvary. When
he breathed His last earthly breath, He did it for you, too. He already knew
everything about you intimately as well. Isn’t that amazing? Sit with that a
moment. Let it penetrate every part of your being and then pray about it.
God, You are always good. You are the very definition of
good. You see us at our worst. You love us through all the days of our lives,
never leaving us, never forsaking us. Everything that happens in our lives, You
find a way to use it for our good and not to harm us. Dear God, I come before you today with a humble heart and
surrender my life to you. I believe in your gift of salvation and eternal life
because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. God, today I repent and turn from my
old way of life. Today I ask for new life through Jesus Christ and the power of
the Holy Spirit. Thank you, God, for forgiving me and making my life brand new.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Amazing Love The Story of Hosea
Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog
posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time!
And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and
don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7.
Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text
START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours:
Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.
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