She was always giving hints that something was wrong. No one would listen to her or give her more than a smile and a nod when she tried communicating with them. So many were afraid of her but without a valid reason. All she wanted to do was to love others. Unfortunately, what her brain registered as love was actually severe sexual abuse. Because of her disabilities, she was unable to register that fact or advocate for herself. It was left to me, a nine-year-old. I wasn't prepared.
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| Melissa, shortly before her death |
Melissa was born with a myriad of disabilities, yet to know her - truly know her - was to absolutely adore her. She was beautiful in her own way. Her laugh could fill every heart in the room in mere seconds. Her smile melted my sorrows and her friendship was sweeter than honey. She was my very best friend and I am so grateful to have been chosen by God to be her sister.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness... -Galatians 5:22 (ESV)
Evil has a way of seeking out the most vulnerable to destroy their innocence. Our stepdad sure had a way of destroying Melissa's. He took sexual abuse to the extremes with her simply because he could. When she died at the age of 25, she had the brain capacity of a 2-3-year-old toddler, if that. She could speak in the way that 6-month-old babies speak - incoherent babble. Throughout her life, I believe we, her family, only identified about six actual words she could speak clearly. She was an easy target for an evil man.
When she was a teenager, Melissa was put on birth control. Our Mother stated that it was because someday she may be put into a care home specifically for disabled persons and that as a legal adult, she would be able to choose whether or not to engage in sexual activities. I call malarkey on that. Our Mother knew we were being sexually abused at home and she was too weak to do anything else about it. She enabled our stepdad to molest and rape us.
Sometimes I wish my sister were still here with me. I would happily become her caretaker. I imagined my sister holding each of my babies shortly after they were born. In my daydreams, she would rock them and sing to them in her beautiful language. She would live with me and be my best friend forever. But that is so selfish. She really suffered in her short lifetime and it was God's mercy that ultimately took her home to Heaven.
Often, I wonder what Heaven will really be like. I know that we receive a new body. I wonder what Melissa's looks like. I long to hear her voice, to hear her thoughts, to say "I love you" and hear it clearly in return (though I know without a shadow of a doubt that she loved me as fiercely as I love her still).
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. -2 Corinthians 5:1 (NLT)
There is something not often talked about in recovering from sexual abuse - at least not in my area. That's survivor's guilt. I've suffered with it over the years. When I told that lady cop about the sexual abuse I'd endured at home, I only mentioned my own abuse. My little nine-year-old brain could only comprehend so much. I failed to mention how Melissa had been violated. It was not on purpose. My brain was protecting me from the full extent of the trauma.
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| Melissa and I, circa 1990 |
It has taken me a long time to forgive myself, and, as I have previously mentioned - forgiveness is not a one-time deal for us all. Sometimes we have to choose it every day, multiple times a day. Trauma affects us all differently, and we must embrace the unique path for healing that God has set before us all, or we remain stagnant in the pain of the past.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - Romans 8:18 (ESV)
Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
In Christ alone our hope is foundRun, don't walk for help! You're worth it.
