GET ANGRY

In the event that this video doesn't play correctly, here is the link to the YouTube video for Pulled Into Letting Go. 

You are smart. You are important. You are worthy of love. It is time to get free today. You can do this. You are brave. You are courageous. 

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

 

 

 

NUCLEAR WAR

Satan hisses his lies into my ears often. He loves to mess with me and anyone else who's been a Christian longer than five minutes. "Go ahead. No one will know" he hissed into my ears time after time. I wonder if he hissed these words into my abuser's ears? I shook off the lie and rebutted "Get away from me, Satan." 

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. - 1 Peter 5:8 (ESV)

"No one will see. They're too young to tell" he whispered again...and again. "Get away from me, Satan!" I yelled through gritted teeth. I was livid. He was blatantly coming for my kids. I was not going to allow this. "We belong to Jesus. I'm not falling for your lies!" I yelled into what seemed like an empty room. Except it wasn't. The devil was there, hissing lies, hoping I'd give in.  

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. - Ephesians 6:11 (ESV)

The devil has often implored me to continue the cycle of abuse, but I will not do it. I cannot do it. Not one part of me has ever been tempted to touch my children inappropriately. The devil can hiss all he wants. I'm not giving in. Not only are the stakes too high, I simply have no desire to. It's easy to tell him to shut up. Which makes me wonder what else he's up to. What's his end game? 

For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. 1 John 5:3 (ESV)

I know that God will always see me through and help me with any temptation I face. I marvel at those who share their stories of coming out of drug or alcohol addiction and they share moments where they've held their Bibles and just rocked back and forth for hours, relying on Jesus for strength. That's exactly how I feel about healing from sexual abuse. As far as abstaining from it, it's very easy for me. I wish everyone could say the same...

 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10 (ESV)

When we turn to Jesus and rely on Him for all things in our lives, it does become easy to walk away from - and even abstain entirely from things that are harmful to ourselves and others. Why? Because the love of Jesus is so compelling, so beautiful that nothing else even begins to compare. Why throw all that away for a quick sin that ruins someone else's life?  

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23 (ESV)

Does it surprise you that Satan has tried to get me to hurt my children? It shouldn't. Satan is on a mission to destroy families, tearing them apart from the inside out. That's how he's going to win so many trophies for the end times battle with Jesus. Satan knows the scriptures. He knows he isn't going to win that battle. He just wants some trophies for himself along the way. 

 Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. 1 John 3:8 (ESV)

Ephesians 6:12

 But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8 (ESV)

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

 

 

 

RUNNING SCARED

 There aren’t many memories of my childhood that aren’t tainted by abuse surrounding them. I was a depressed child. Sadness seemed to envelop me in the way it does those deep in mourning. Looking back, I do believe I was in constant mourning when I wasn’t in a safe place. For me, the only safe places were when I felt God nearby. 

Sometimes when I was at school, I would walk the hallways with my right hand down at my side, fingers slightly curled, palm open. This was my way of holding hands with Jesus as I faced the scary world. I was badly bullied from first grade all through the last month of my Senior year of High school when I dropped out (I wasn’t eligible to graduate with my class due to poor attendance).  

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13 (ESV)

When I was in church on Sundays, I felt safe. When I was studying the Bible with my godmother, I felt safe. When I was anywhere without my family and without my tormenting peers, I felt safe. I felt God nearby.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105 (ESV)

As the years rolled on, the school became the place where I would let out my emotions – not home. I knew that at home, no one really cared. I’d already tested the waters and found them to be tepid; at school, I could easily incite a reaction out of at least one teacher per hour. I took delight in my disobedience. In fact, it became a game for me to see how far I could push a teacher until they snapped. 

What I was searching for wasn’t discipline. I wanted to know if someone noticed me. I wanted to see if anyone would or could see my pain and help me through it. No one at home seemed to be able to. They just made it worse and went on to blame me for their struggles as well. Common frustrations expressed by my parents were about money and my medical and therapy bills that went beyond the scope of what insurance was willing to cover. 

My “constant need” for hospitalization in high school meant that my parents were tens of thousands of dollars in debt. These were hospitalizations I never asked for, never needed, never wanted. They simply grew tired of dealing with me and wanted a break from me. Facing reality – that my stepdad never belonged back in the home and was causing further harm to me, was too much for them to bear. I was an afterthought - if even a thought at all.

For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up. – Psalm 27:10

As a response to trauma and the resulting anxiety, I learned to run away and hide. I learned to slow and control my breathing and focus on becoming so still that even my body made no sound. I became stealthy and could hide in a bathroom stall, squatting on the toilet seat with the bathroom stall unlocked (door shut) and no one would even think to try opening the door. The only sounds in the room were coming from the other person who was searching for me. 

I could disappear within seconds and have a team of people looking for me for well over an hour before I decided to relinquish control and end the game myself. To them, it was not a game. To me, it was both a game and survival. When I ran away, my brain told me I was in legitimate danger, whether that was fact or not. I also held all the power when I was hiding, and they were searching for me. This was an unusual feeling – power, that I was discovering.

You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah. – Psalm 32:7

My teenage years were spent restlessly running away and being brought back. I’d bide my time for a while and then run away again. It was hard to sit still unless it benefitted me somehow. I became well known by the local police for my truancy, and I loved it. That was another game for me. 

Looking back, I can see that there were adults in my life who truly wanted to help and felt helpless because I would not cooperate with them. I also feel remorse over the way I misbehaved and when I became a Christian, I did repent of those sins. I also asked God a lot of questions about why my parents hated me and treated me so badly. God’s response? Read the book of Job. 

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16 (ESV)

Many times over the years, I have read the book of Job and the ending is always my favorite part. Though Job gets no real answers as to the “why” of things, he does live a good life and walk with God. It’s nice to know that Job was doubly blessed during the second half of his life. His struggles were not in vain and I am sure that Job appreciated his blessings more, knowing what life was like before them.

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted over the earth.” The LORD of Hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. -Psalm 46:10-11.

Just a closer walk with thee...

 

Today, my husband and I were talking about how much easier life might be if we could just see into the future. Do we really need to, though? Hasn’t God shown us that life with Him continues to get better and better? Even in trials and tribulations, life is better each year we walk with Him because we learn to trust Him more and lean on Him more to have all our needs met. Does it always “feel” good? No, of course not. And it doesn’t need to. Because God’s Word is absolute, I know I can always trust Him.

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

 

 

 

THE BEAUTIFUL TRUTH ABOUT US ALL

    This morning's workout was difficult, emotionally. I went into the gym ready to cry. My self-talk was not nice this morning. Then, I had a rough time getting the machine to my settings. I looked around, and I was the youngest person there by at least 20 years. I felt so defeated. All the old people were thin and looked more fit. Instead of reminding myself that I will achieve my goals with hard work, I just felt defeated and stared at my fat belly in the mirror as I lifted a mere twenty pounds over my head ten times, arms shaking under the minuscule weight. Do you see? I’m doing it now. I have a defeatist attitude when it comes to losing weight and getting fit. 

    It’s really difficult for me to remain optimistic until I see some big results. That’s a tough aspect of being an action-oriented person, as people with this personality type want to see results all the time as a means of feeling accomplished. Add to that, I am not a very patient person, and it begins to make some sense as to why I felt defeated this morning.

    Healing from abuse is similar to working out in a gym. The full benefits will not come the moment you ask for help. It takes time to develop stamina, strength, and fitness. Some days will be a rest day and you’ll need to sit with big feelings, taking it easy. Some days will be big victory days, where you use every emotional muscle you possess. Those days you may be in court or talking with a counselor, lawyer, or social worker. In the end, you’ll likely feel spent and need to rejuvenate. Not every day is going to be a big banner victory day, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t all count towards something bigger and better!

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. -James 1:12-18

    The more we focus on what our mind, body, and soul need to be healthy, the more we fast-track our healing. We need Jesus for salvation, strength, wisdom, discernment, love, mercy…you name it. We need Him for it. We need time in our Bible to hear Him through the reading of the Word. We need time in church for learning through the sermons, worship through song, and fellowship with other Christians. We need an uncluttered home for peace of mind.

    Exercise can help us clear our minds, become fit, and boost our serotonin, which boosts our mood. Sleep provides rest and rejuvenation. Showers and baths cleanse us, rejuvenate us, and relax us. Hobbies provide an outlet for our creativity. We certainly need healthy food for fuel. Sometimes we need therapy and medication to balance the chemicals in our minds and bodies. Always, we need water to hydrate. And so on. 

    I’m sure you can think of several things in your life that you rely on for peace of mind and better health. There have been seasons in my life when I relied on a checklist of these things to make sure I was taking care of myself. That was part of my healing journey and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe at some point, you have or will need this, too?

Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul. 3 John 1:2

Self-talk is an important skill to hone. I’m finding that it requires a lot of practice, diligence, and discernment. What I mean by this is that it won’t come easily. John 10:10 tells us that “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life and have it in abundance.” Satan is a prowling lion, a hissing snake, and The Prince of Lies. He loves to tell us lie after lie about ourselves. Being gaslit by Satan is nothing new. It’s been going on since the dawn of time. 

    Fighting back takes perseverance, diligence, and discernment. What are the lies? Anything that is in direct contradiction with the Word of God. You should know that you were made with a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11), you are cherished (Jeremiah 31:3), and nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39). Self-talk requires you to speak truth over yourself, whether through thought or spoken out loud. 

    Take a long look at yourself in the mirror and notice all the beautiful features on your face. Look at your irises (the colored part of your eyes). See the unique designs within? God created them with a purpose. He is delighted by them. Look at your cute nose, your mouth, your cheeks. Look at the way your ears are purposefully placed on your head. What an absolute work of art you are! There is no one quite like you. God knit you together lovingly and placed you here on this earth with a purpose.

Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. -Psalm 45:11

Let’s take it a step further. Learn to be okay with your beauty. It’s okay if you’d like to change some things, like lose a few pounds, chop a few inches off your hair, or pierce your nose. Those are not inherently sinful things, and they don’t change the beauty of who you are today. You can love yourself right here at this moment for exactly who you are, and you can continue to love yourself as you make the changes. Make no mistake, though. The changes you make do not add to, nor do they subtract your value in any way, no matter what the world says. The only word that matters in this case, is God’s Word.

The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever. -Isaiah 40:8

Glasses say "Psalm 23:6" on the side

Does my value decrease because I look like a goofball?
No! I am still beautiful. 

 

 Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.