There aren’t many memories of my childhood that aren’t
tainted by abuse surrounding them. I was a depressed child. Sadness seemed to envelop
me in the way it does those deep in mourning. Looking back, I do
believe I was in constant mourning when I wasn’t in a safe place. For me, the
only safe places were when I felt God nearby.
Sometimes when I was at school, I
would walk the hallways with my right hand down at my side, fingers slightly
curled, palm open. This was my way of holding hands with Jesus as I faced the
scary world. I was badly bullied from first
grade all through the last month of my Senior year of High school when I
dropped out (I wasn’t eligible to graduate with my class due to poor attendance).
For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13 (ESV)
When I was in church on Sundays, I felt safe.
When I was studying the Bible with my godmother, I felt safe. When I was
anywhere without my family and without my tormenting peers, I felt safe. I felt
God nearby.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105 (ESV)
As the years rolled on, the school became the place where I
would let out my emotions – not home. I knew that at home, no one really cared.
I’d already tested the waters and found them to be tepid; at school, I could easily
incite a reaction out of at least one teacher per hour. I took delight in my
disobedience. In fact, it became a game for me to see how far I could push a
teacher until they snapped.
What I was searching for wasn’t discipline. I
wanted to know if someone noticed me. I wanted to see if anyone would or could
see my pain and help me through it. No one at home seemed to be able to. They
just made it worse and went on to blame me for their struggles as well. Common
frustrations expressed by my parents were about money and my medical and
therapy bills that went beyond the scope of what insurance was willing to
cover.
My “constant need” for hospitalization in high school meant that my
parents were tens of thousands of dollars in debt. These were hospitalizations
I never asked for, never needed, never wanted. They simply grew tired of
dealing with me and wanted a break from me. Facing reality – that my stepdad
never belonged back in the home and was causing further harm to me, was too
much for them to bear. I was an afterthought - if even a thought at all.
For my father and my mother have forsaken me, But the LORD will take me up. –
Psalm 27:10
As a response to trauma and the resulting anxiety, I learned
to run away and hide. I learned to slow and control my breathing and focus on
becoming so still that even my body made no sound. I became stealthy and could
hide in a bathroom stall, squatting on the toilet seat with the bathroom stall
unlocked (door shut) and no one would even think to try opening the door. The only sounds in the room were coming from the other person who was
searching for me.
I could disappear within seconds and have a team of people
looking for me for well over an hour before I decided to relinquish control and
end the game myself. To them, it was not a game. To me, it was both a game and
survival. When I ran away, my brain told me I was in legitimate danger, whether
that was fact or not. I also held all the power when I was hiding, and they
were searching for me. This was an unusual feeling – power, that I was discovering.
You are my hiding
place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah. – Psalm 32:7
My teenage years were spent restlessly running away and
being brought back. I’d bide my time for a while and then run away again. It was
hard to sit still unless it benefitted me somehow. I became well known by the
local police for my truancy, and I loved it. That was another game for me.
Looking
back, I can see that there were adults in my life who truly wanted to help and
felt helpless because I would not cooperate with them. I also feel remorse over
the way I misbehaved and when I became a Christian, I did repent of those sins.
I also asked God a lot of questions about why my parents hated me and treated
me so badly. God’s response? Read the book of Job.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16 (ESV)
Many times over the years, I have read the book of Job and the ending is always my favorite part. Though Job gets no
real answers as to the “why” of things, he does live a good life and walk with
God. It’s nice to know that Job was doubly blessed during the second half of his life.
His struggles were not in vain and I am sure that Job appreciated his blessings
more, knowing what life was like before them.
Be still and know
that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted over the
earth.” The LORD of Hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. -Psalm
46:10-11.
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| Just a closer walk with thee... |
Today, my husband and I were talking about how much easier
life might be if we could just see into the future. Do we really need to,
though? Hasn’t God shown us that life with Him continues to get better and
better? Even in trials and tribulations, life is better each year we walk with
Him because we learn to trust Him more and lean on Him more to have
all our needs met. Does it always “feel” good? No, of course not. And it doesn’t
need to. Because God’s Word is absolute, I know I can always trust Him.
Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
In Christ alone our hope is foundRun, don't walk for help! You're worth it.
