Flashbacks are a terrible, horrible thing. They can come on at any time, disrupting whatever I had been doing prior. There is often no warning as to when they will come on, no way to fully disengage from them and it can be very difficult to recover from them. The worst ones for me are the ones that engage more than two senses. Sometimes I can see and hear the event as it unfolded while smelling the sweaty, earthy smell of his (stepdad’s) skin on mine. Sometimes I even physically feel his hands on me, which is just the worst.
When I was newly married, sex was
incredibly difficult. There were times when I mistook my husband for my abuser
because I was triggered simply by the act of having sex. My heart breaks for the
pain and agony my husband went through during that time in our marriage. What
finally helped was to psych myself up for sex before the act, reminding myself
that I am safe, he is a safe person and then I would recite the date and time repeatedly.
Usually, that worked. Sometimes, I went into what I refer to as a “time warp”
and I would not be able to tell the difference between little girl Amanda and
adult Mandy. In those moments, I would panic and physically shove my husband off
me and curl into the fetal position. There was no difference in those moments
for me (internally) between abuse and consent. I’d been triggered by something,
and I couldn’t separate the past from the present.
Flashbacks are the stuff of
nightmares. They can occur anytime I feel triggered by something, and often, I
don’t recognize that I’ve been triggered until the flashback occurs. I have
four kids. Give me a break here. I can’t always be fully cognizant of every sight,
sound, or smell in my general region – especially when in a crowd and my first
thought is “where are my kids?” Flashbacks can last from a few seconds to a
couple of minutes. Sometimes I will let others know I’ve just had a flashback, but
most of the time, I just keep it to myself and immediately pray about the
situation. I know that God is always with me, and He will give me the peace and
comfort that I need to continue with my day. When I need to, I will also let my
husband know that I am having a hard time and I need him to make a few more decisions
on his own that day, so I can rest easy in our partnership. Marriage is truly a
three-corded rope, for which I am eternally grateful. There are times when my
husband needs to lean on me as well, and I know that it is never in my power
that I can be his helpmeet, nor is it in his power that he is the provider and leader
of the household. I truly married a good
one.
Some folks have recommended
marijuana to me to help with the flashbacks. I considered it for a while, then
did my research, including talking to my doctors about it. For me, it’s just
not a good option and I have no plans to ever try it, including edibles. I know
that marijuana has become a popular coping mechanism, and I want to give my
stance very carefully on it. It’s just not a good idea without a doctor’s
approval. Alcohol is another vice that I don’t advocate for, except in
moderation. Some studies have shown that certain red wines can
improve heart health, calm uterine contractions, and ease stress. In
moderation. By moderation, I do mean less than a drink a week. This is my opinion,
and you’ll need to speak with your doctor to develop your wellness plan. I
included this information because I want to express the importance of making
informed decisions regarding mental health care. I know that in a moment of
panic, it can be easy to reach for whatever makes you feel better in the
moment, but will that help you in the long run? Will it change your life for
the better? I prefer the long-term solution of a slow burn, snail’s pace way of
making lifestyle changes that will stick.
There is something to the act of reciting the date and time
when you are under a lot of stress. It’s a way of grounding yourself, reminding
yourself that you’re in the here and now, not back in the past where the trauma
occurred. I also find it helpful to recite my home address, kids’ names, and a
few positive affirmations such as “I am safe in this place” and “I am with a
safe person, named (insert name here.” These are the coping mechanisms that
work time after time and are easier for me to remember in a pinch. A therapist
once told me that our brains do not recognize a negative word within a positive
statement when we are under duress. For example, if I were to say, “I’m not in
danger.” My brain would omit the “not” and just hear “I am in danger.” I have
adapted my inner dialogue to reflect this information and now focus on the
simple term “I am safe in this place.” It’s worked for me for over a decade. Determine
what words of affirmation you need to hear when you feel unsafe, and then
practice positively saying them. Teach them to your safe people, too.
I want to take just a moment to address those who are
reading this blog to better understand flashbacks, either because you’re in
ministry or you have a loved one suffering from them. While each of us who
endured trauma tends to handle flashbacks differently, there is one universal phrase
that will always be helpful when interacting with someone who is triggered. It
is “I believe you. Your story is important. I am here for you. “And then
follow through with that. Check-in on that person throughout the week and the
following weeks. Don’t take their first answer to your question of “Are you
okay?” at face value. Until we, who have endured trauma have learned and settled
into the knowledge that you are a safe person, we will lie to you.
Repeatedly. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with our trauma
training. You see, trauma trains us to never trust anyone, to rely upon ourselves
for everything, and to look at everyone else as suspicious from now on. The
very best thing you can do for someone you truly want to help is to be patient
and consistent while maintaining your own safe boundaries. (Those in ministry or seeking to help someone with trauma should look into emotional pain
transference. Here is a good reference to get you started: https://www.denverpainandperformance.com/transference-and-blame/
)
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| Me and Melissa, September 11,2001 just minutes after the planes hit the twin towers. I didn't want this day to only be remembered for tragedy, so we snapped this pic. She died 17 months later of natural causes, in her sleep. She was my best friend. |
Stay tuned for another episode. I
aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and
Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger,
get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're
saying.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English,
Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
In Christ alone our hope is found
Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.
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