She went to Heaven on a sunny day. There was not one thing about that day to complain about - except that she was no longer with us. And yet, I return to that day often when there's a storm brewing in my heart. What could I have done differently? Could I have saved her? Could I have prevented the heartache that would ensue? Was it my fault? If not, why not? So many questions have raced through my mind, tearing a hole in my heart, and causing me to retreat into the darkest recesses of my mind, searching but never truly finding relief.
My sister Melissa died on February 7, 2003. On that day, a piece of me died, too. I was no longer her sister. At least that's how I felt. And that was the most pertinent title I'd ever held up to that point. I was proud of being her sister. She was awesome. She loved without limits, without judgement, without a care in the world if she was loved back. That was just her nature. She loved.
For far too many years, that is the only narrative I have ever allowed myself to share about my sister. It felt wrong to ever think or feel something contrary. I only wanted to immortalize the good parts of her. Afterall, she was my sister. I survived, so I have to live for her - continue her legacy and make her proud, right? Every waking moment must be lived in such a way that would make her proud and honor her in some way. Same for all of my dead relatives. If I'm not doing that, I'm not truly honoring their memory, right?
Here's the thing about grief. It never dies. It just changes us. For me, grief became all-consuming in ways I'd never expected. It changed me into total sadness, and sometimes despair. Grief did not remain a feeling or emotion or a process. It became my entire identity. It sucked the life right out of me and promised me something elusive. Something I'm not even sure I understood the allure of. But it did answer a question for me. What comes next after loss?
There are five main stages of grief. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It's possible to skip around in there, to experience some more strenuously than others, and to circle back to some stages multiple times. For me, I've never really gotten past the depression stage before circling back to another. Acceptance seems somewhat elusive, as does moving on. It's interesting to face that truth now. Seeing it in black and white really rattles me somehow, but it also brings me some peace. Now I know what to work on. Now I know what to call this stagnant holding place I've been rotting in all these years. Maybe now I can move forward? We'll see.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
+Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 ESV
What I do know is that God is calling me to something bigger. It's been 21 years. It's time to move forward and let the grief transform into something else. It's time to stop living in the past and let go. One could even say I'm being pulled by my Lord and my family into letting go. I do not need to be defined by my past. I do not need to make it my entire identity. My sister is gone. My innocence is gone. I am still here and it's time to start living in the here and now.
Let's pray
Jesus, in Your name I come boldly before the throne and ask for Your forgiveness. I've been so stuck on the past, on holding it closer to my heart than I needed to. I've shut out Your power and strength, and focused on my own pain and weakness, making that my identity. This is not who You've created me to be. This is not Your will for me, either. I am sorry and I humbly repent. As I move forward in love and light, I will continue to look for all the ways that You're blessing me, healing me, and calling me into something new. I am no longer bound to my past, but to You and You alone. I love You, Lord. Thank You for healing me. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
I haven't given up on writing on this Blog. I've just given up on the few people who have negative things to say about it. I let their uneducated opinions get to me in the last week, and I stepped away for a couple of days to evaluate whether or not their opinions held any significant meaning. They don't.
This morning I was ruminating on an important conversation I need to have with someone and it occurred to me that there are different levels of immaturity and of faith.
Immaturity:
Some of us just put up with bad behavior longer because we know God's going to work it out. So go ahead and act like an immature idiot. We are not holding it against you. You're in a stage of life where the darkness is coming to light and God's going to do something big with that.
VS.
The get right with God crowd and never make a mistake or we WILL hold it against you, we will judge you, and we will share your personal details with others in the name of "prayer requests".
Faith:
Some have the faith to trust that if they sin big, God's going to forgive it and love them anyway.
VS.
Knowing that, but still striving to obey God, trusting that He's going to utilize our struggle as a growth process, bringing us closer to Him.
And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
+Mark 7:20-23 (ESV)
Furthermore, it disgusts me how many people look at a married couple and discuss divorce for various reasons. I did a deep dive into the Biblical subject of divorce and here's where I ended up -
1) I studied it because my initial understanding was that Jesus hates it and does not permit it. If that's true, then any Pastor who says there's a Biblical reason for it is lying and Pastors aren't the type (generally) to lie, so that ate at me. I realized I must be wrong, and I wanted to find the root of it.
2) Divorce is permissible for precious few. It's okay - awesome in fact, that I don't directly understand it. I just have to trust that when God calls a couple to divorce, it's for a good reason.
3) Divorce is not the answer for Anthony and me - which I already knew. God is using us to show others how to stick with each other through thick and thin, even when the commitment has been to the marriage itself and we struggled to like each other. (Hello 2010s).
4)Sometimes Pastors are wrong. They're people, after all.
Is this technically a nacho?
Finally, Anthony and I are in marriage counseling, and it's been really great for our relationship. I didn't realize that I still have a lot of work to do on my communication style. I've gotten really lazy! I'll often practice something in my head that I want to say, and when it comes out of my mouth, sometimes it's taken completely differently than I intended it to. I'm still not sure how an intended compliment can offend others - but it happens! I need to work on my wording, my tone of voice, and be a lot more patient with Anthony. That's my big project to work on with Jesus.
Real quick, before I publish this and log off to go do some housework, I want to encourage those of you, like me, who are long-suffering to keep leaning into Jesus. You're going to be tempted to take the easy way out on a lot of different situations in your life. I'm here to tell you that often the easy way is not the right way.
The simplest solution is usually the hardest to do, and that's also usually the right one. We won't always know unless we seek Jesus in His Word, in Prayer, and in Fellowship. Just be careful who you're fellowshipping with. As Anthony and I have moved over the years, we've made some big mistakes in who we've trusted to fellowship with. Go slow, get to know people really well, and then share your story if you feel the Holy Spirit prompting you to. We are so blessed to be a part of a healthy, loving, Bible-based church now.
Picture of a lovely rose because it's just so pretty!
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
I have farm animals. Ducks, pigs, chickens, dogs, and cats. My property isn't big enough to host more, so that's it for now. Well, and the four kids that reside here. Nearly every day, I spend a large portion of the day outside with the animals. They're good therapy for the soul. I feel closer to God when I'm outside amongst His vast creation.
Animals are funny creatures. There is comedy to be found in their routine if you look for it. Today, one of the pigs ran straight for the duck pond and rolled around in it, splashing the area around her. Meanwhile, the ducks ganged up and approached her, quacking angrily. They wanted their duck pond back. The pig did not care. She finished her bath and then got out.
On the other side of the yard, the cats were chasing the chickens as part of a game. I was shouting at the cats, trying to get them to stop their game. It wasn't working. Cats are designed to chase birds, catch them, and eat them. They were just doing what God designed them to do.
And God said, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds—livestock and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds.” And it was so. And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds, and everything that creeps on the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good.
+Genesis 1:24-25 (ESV)
I love God's creativity. If we just sit and watch nature, soaking it all in, we will feel at peace. We will find the natural rhythm of our heartbeats, slow down our thoughts, and make more time for prayer, reading of God's Word, and quiet reflection. We will come to realize that if we just have some more patience with one another, we will end up right where we always needed to be.
Let's Pray
Heavenly Father, often we try to fight against our nature and do things that seem unnatural. Sometimes this is a good thing, as in the form of developing a new discipline or spiritual habit. Please give us discernment and wisdom about the best course of action for our lives. As we take the time to sit in nature, appreciating all that You have made, bless our hearts and minds with a spirit of peace. I love You, Lord Jesus. It is in Your name I pray. Amen.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
Love those who hurt you. Don't allow bitterness to creep into your heart. Take a moment and sit quietly, giving your pain and anger to God the moment it begins to appear. When you finish praying, if it comes back, pray again. Don't give the devil a leg up by entertaining any thoughts of revenge, anger, bitterness, or hatred.
When Richard Wurmbrand was freed from prison, he was asked if he hated the men who captured and tortured him. He said that no, he didn't hate them. He loved the men. Though they could never be friends, he would always pray for them to find Christ and to love them.
This becomes even more inspiring when you find out that even the torturers ended up in jail alongside the very Christians they had tortured days prior. Communism is a dog-eat-dog way of life. To show their torturers Christ-like love, many times the Christians would volunteer to take beatings in place of their previous torturers. This opened a door in the torturers' hearts to hear the Gospel.
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
+Romans 12:17-21 (ESV)
You've been hurt a lot. You were badly abused by those who were tasked with keeping you safe, teaching you to love, and disciplining you. That hurt broke your heart and changed the chemistry of your brain for the worse. Even today, 30 years later, I suffer from the effects of what they did. Yet...I have also found beauty in healing and loving them from afar by praying for them. You will have days where you don't hurt so much. They're coming.
Let's Pray
Heavenly Father, sometimes the hardest choice is to be loving and to give my hurt over to You. Often, I just want to take matters into my own hands and see justice right here and now. I want to lash out and show my abusers, bullies, and enemies how much they hurt me, but I know that isn't what You call me to do. Thank You for showing me, through Your own example, how I am to react to those who hurt me. Thank You for the strength that You give me each day, and the faith to trust You to take care of the things You have promised You will. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
On a smaller scale of loving those who hurt you - this is my daughter petting the cat that peed on her dresser this morning. Charlie is a menace, yet we love his furry little bum!
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
Be kind. I know it's hard sometimes to say things that don't come naturally to you, but I need you to try. Be kind to others and be kind to yourself. When unsure what kindness looks like, consider what Jesus says about others. What does Jesus say about you?
Your self-talk is consistently cruel, which causes you to become bitter and angry with others. This anger leaches out into your personality, making you unpleasant to spend time with. I'm not telling you this in order to beat you down but to help you become self-aware. Negativity repels others.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
+Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)
Don't make a habit of negativity, bitterness, anger, or unkindness. Practice saying kind words to yourself and others. Look for things to like about yourself and the people around you, then verbalize those qualities in a compliment. Make it a daily challenge to say twelve kind things to others and twelve to yourself. Spend time in God's Word, studying what God thinks about you. Immerse yourself in love and kindness.
Let's Pray
Heavenly Father, it's hard to be kind when many insults are thrown at me daily. The bullying, abuse, and trauma I have endured make me feel bitter, hurt, sad, and angry. Sometimes, it is much easier to lash out at others than to speak kind words to them. Please guide me to the sections of Your Holy Word that point out practical ways to show love and kindness to myself and others. Thank You for being a perfect example of forgiveness, love, kindness, and mercy. I love You, Jesus. It is in Your holy name that I pray. Amen.
I wish I could share the Heavenly smell of these roses with you, brothers and sisters in Christ. They smell amazing.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
I have seen the results firsthand of suicide. I have experienced the heartbreak every day for nearly a year now. Two of my dear friends made a suicide pact last year. One of them died, and one of them is presumed alive but nowhere to be found. My heart breaks anew each day, missing them both.
My last words with one of them weren't kind, though, at the time, I thought I was doing the kindest thing possible by sharing the Word of God with them. The problem is that my attitude behind sharing those words was neither kind nor loving. I did not realize it until later - when it was too late.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary set of problems that seem too big for you or anyone else to handle. But here's what I want you to spend a long time - years if that's what it takes - ruminating on - God is bigger than all of our problems, no matter how big they appear.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
+Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)
I wish I could hug my friends again. I wish I could tell them I am sorry for the unkind words in person. I wish to thank them for being so kind and loving to my family and me. I wish I could minister to their needs. I wish all kinds of things, but none of them are likely to come to fruition. The emotions I feel surrounding the loss of my friends are complex, painful, and lasting. Suicide is not the answer. It never is. But do you know what the actual answer to all of life's problems is?
JESUS.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
God is not angry with you. He knows you're scared and often feel unsafe. He sees you in your pain and recognizes that you're still learning and growing. God is infinitely more patient with you than you are with yourself.
It's hard to feel safe when all around you, people are engaging in unsafe behaviors that put you at risk. Of course you're going to react like a scared raccoon caught in a cage. That's how our brains work when we're terrified and can't find a safe place to be. God sees this. He knows this.
For God has not chosen to pour out his anger upon us but to save us through our Lord Jesus Christ; he died for us so that we can live with him forever, whether we are dead or alive at the time of his return.
+1 Thesasalonians 5:9-10 (TLB)
God is very patient with us. He desires that we heal, that we are saved, that we are made strong through Him. He desires eternity with us. Lean into Jesus today, embrace the gift of His salvation and live with Him forever.
Let's Pray
Lord Jesus Christ, sometimes it's hard to embrace the gift of Your salvation and to trust that You are not enraged with me, especially when I am scared of my surroundings and act out. I know that my behavior is not always pleasing to You and I am sorry for that. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and guide me along still waters so that I may drink in Your peace and find healing. I desire to live forever with You. It is in Your name I pray. Amen.
These new goslings are being protected and guided by their parents at Sundial Bridge Park along the Sacramento River. How sweet.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
God will never leave you nor forsake you. He is a God of absolutes. He always loves you, never leaves you, never lies to you, always says what He means, and can be trusted at all times. He will never make promises He doesn't intend to honor. He is your everything.
So often, you feel afraid that your needs will not be met, that you're too much for the Lord to handle, and that you will ultimately disappoint Him to the point where even God will abandon you. That simply is not true. You are not too much for Him. Be assured that you are safe in this place and have a future richer than your current situation.
And my God will fulfill your every need according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
+Philippians 4:19 (LEB)
Richard Wurmbrand spent eight years in prison for his faith, three of them in solitary confinement, never seeing another human being other than his captors. During that time, he often sang to the Lord and prayed with the angels he knew surrounded him. Sometimes, he said he could sense the Lord in the light amongst the shadows on the walls of his cell. His need for love, encouragement, and spiritual fulfillment was always met, even in the absolute worst situations.
Let's Pray
Heavenly Father, You are always good. You can always be trusted. Thank You for remaining by my side even when I don't feel You near. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.
One of my favorite books. It reminds me to stay humble, stay close to the Lord, and never waiver on my belief that God is all we need.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
