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Friday, September 23, 2022

PEACE IN WALKING AWAY

     Today is the day it happened for the first time. Today, I received a piece of mail from my dead mother. She tried to bypass my authority and send my daughter something from Amazon. Rather than run in circles trying to prevent this from happening again by contacting Amazon, I simply boxed up the items, included a copy of the court records where my stepdad plead guilty to abusing me, and sent it back to them with the words “YOU ARE DEAD TO US” written on the back. I also included a short warning at the bottom of the note, stating that “any further attempts to communicate with us would result in legal action.” I intend to follow through. No more will I be gaslit, lied to, or emotionally abused. And I certainly will not allow my children to be, either.

The most empowering moment in a victim’s life is when we have the peace of mind to walk away and no longer care what happens to our abuser(s). We can hold our heads high, knowing we bear no shame and no responsibility for their actions. Charles Swindoll once said, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." React with outward indifference and reveal your deepest emotions first to God and then to those who are closest to you, and who have proven their loyalty. Your abuser(s) will simply feed off your raw emotions, gaining a sick sense of satisfaction from having pierced you once again. Let them go. Smile and make them wonder what you’re thinking. Better yet, walk the other way and avoid them altogether. They are not worth your time.

“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. – Matthew 18:6

            Being an adult orphan is weird. There have been nights I dreamed of my mother drowning in her sorrow and regret. I woke up, wanting to reach out and save her – wanting to tell her that it would all be okay someday. Thankfully, reason took over and I remembered that if I were to do that – call her and comfort her – it would begin again the cycle of emotional abuse and neglect that has been going on for 39 years. At some point, someone must be the adult and stop this. She is unable to. It had to be me. The good news is that I will find healing from this. The bad news is that she likely never will. I feel sorry for her, yet I will not allow that sorrow to control me or cause me to turn back towards an unhealthy lifestyle. My kids need me here and now, healthy. This is my time to be a mother and I don’t want to squander it.        

            If you’ve ever been on a life-saving medication for a lengthy amount of time, I’m sure there has been a moment or two when you’ve pondered whether you could stop the medication for a short time and still be healthy.  During my years of intense psychiatric treatment, I often wondered if I could stop my psychotropic medication for a week or two and pick it back up again as needed. The answer is a rather loud and resounding “no” by the way. Don’t ever try it. Please, for the love of your sanity, don’t try it. I did it a few times over the years, in the thick of things and it was the absolute worst decision at the time. The same can be said for lifting healthy boundaries and allowing unhealthy people to leak back through into your life. You will backslide in a big way. Bigger than you ever imagined, undoing years of work. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous to someone just beginning their healing journey and yes, I realize that some folks must try it themselves to figure it out. I implore you not to if you can help it. Some of us have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, washed it a million times, and hung it out to dry, only to find out the results are the same – or worse – every time.

The discerning sets his face toward wisdom, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth. -Proverbs 17:24

            There is precious little I want more in this life than to hear “well done” when I face judgment day. As a Christian, I want to walk closely with Christ, in obedience to His will. As a wife, I want to love and help my husband achieve his greatest goals in life. As a mother, I want to train my children to love God and obey Him, no matter the personal cost. As a friend, I want to carry my friends to Jesus and walk with them in our moments of joy and need. As a writer, I want to inspire others. All of this I do because Christ first loved me and gave me the strength to overcome every trial that has ever sought to devour me. If I did not heed God’s warnings that evil is not to be tempered with, I would not be healing at all. I would be the same person I was 30-odd years ago, being controlled by an evil, narcissistic, manipulative man and his wife whom I called “mother.”

My blessings from the LORD

Children are a gift and a blessing from the LORD. - Psalm 127:3

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

 

 

           

 

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

JOY COMES WITH THE MOURNING

     Raw emotions clawed at my heart, holding it momentarily captive. In your anger, do not sin,” (Ephesians 4:26) kept ringing through my head, along with the message from Romans 12:19 “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord” (simplified version). He is not worth it, I reminded myself. Let the anger go. I called my husband, my best friend into the room and told him what I’d just read. Burning, angry tears flooded my eyes as I opened up the desk drawer, pulled out a picture of me at two years old, and shoved it in my husband’s direction, yelling “I was this age! This was me at the time that monster did all this to me! I was so little! Barely younger than our son now! How could he? How dare he? What kind of evil does this to someone so little and innocent?” I demanded answers I knew he could never give. My husband is a good man. He has never hit anyone. He loves his family almost as much as he loves Jesus. I collapsed into his lap as he sat on the edge of the bed, and I sat in a chair at the computer. Emotionally spent, all I could do was continue to cry. The court papers said it all. My stepdad lied.

            Last week, I went on a journey to find out the truth, once and for all. I wanted to see the official court records of my stepdad’s conviction. I wanted to understand his piddly jail sentence for almost ten years of severe sexual abuse and rape. It took me less than 32 hours from the time I inquired about the court papers until the moment I opened the email from the county court. 27 pages in all, only the first few blew my mind. On them, my stepdad confessed to three counts of sexual abuse, 1st degree, and three counts of harassment of a minor under the age of 14. Six counts in total, with fictitious dates as to when the abuse happened. Now, looking back, everything makes so much sense. He always had a smug look on his face. Adults close to me kept saying “it’s not that bad, sweetie.” The short jail sentence even makes sense now. Six counts. What a pack of lies! It was more like six times a week. How dare he? It takes all my strength, all of the strength lent to me by my Christian brethren, and all the strength of Jesus within me not to lose my mind and sin right now. Six counts. That’s all he was convicted of. It truly was his word against mine, a terrified nine-year-old girl. Shame on our justice system and shame on him (stepdad) for knowing the truth and blatantly lying to try to save himself. May God have mercy on his soul.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

    I am trusting in God to hold me and carry me through this week as I process this information, mourn the life I might have had, had he not stolen my innocence, and dig deep into God’s Word so that I may not sin or cause others to stumble while I am in so much raw pain. I thank God for my Church family – friends far and near who are lifting me up in prayer. This pain will not define me. It will not break my spirit.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

    God will never let me go. To me, the greatest truth about God is that He is absolute. God is the only being that we can absolutely trust in to never or always. He will never leave us, nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5) and He will always be with us, even unto the end of the age (Matthew 28:20). There is no one else who can make and keep these promises. God is absolute. We all need someone in our corner like that, don’t we? I am so grateful He is with me now. Tears burn my cheeks as I picture each of you, dear readers, discovering this information and picturing your own heartaches, remembering them with clarity as they pierce your hearts. I want you to know – you are never alone. God is with you.

The pain you’re feeling today can’t compare to the joy that is coming. Romans 8:18 (paraphrased).

He pleads guilty to six counts. Just six.

“…we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3b-5

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until someone acts on what you're saying.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.