Today is the day it happened for the first time. Today, I received a piece of mail from my dead mother. She tried to bypass my authority and send my daughter something from Amazon. Rather than run in circles trying to prevent this from happening again by contacting Amazon, I simply boxed up the items, included a copy of the court records where my stepdad plead guilty to abusing me, and sent it back to them with the words “YOU ARE DEAD TO US” written on the back. I also included a short warning at the bottom of the note, stating that “any further attempts to communicate with us would result in legal action.” I intend to follow through. No more will I be gaslit, lied to, or emotionally abused. And I certainly will not allow my children to be, either.
The
most empowering moment in a victim’s life is when we have the peace of mind to
walk away and no longer care what happens to our abuser(s). We can hold our
heads high, knowing we bear no shame and no responsibility for their actions. Charles
Swindoll once said, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to
it." React with outward indifference and reveal your deepest emotions
first to God and then to those who are closest to you, and who have proven
their loyalty. Your abuser(s) will simply feed off your raw emotions, gaining a
sick sense of satisfaction from having pierced you once again. Let them go.
Smile and make them wonder what you’re thinking. Better yet, walk the other way
and avoid them altogether. They are not worth your time.
“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. – Matthew 18:6
Being an adult orphan is weird.
There have been nights I dreamed of my mother drowning in her sorrow and
regret. I woke up, wanting to reach out and save her – wanting to tell her that
it would all be okay someday. Thankfully, reason took over and I remembered
that if I were to do that – call her and comfort her – it would begin again the
cycle of emotional abuse and neglect that has been going on for 39 years. At
some point, someone must be the adult and stop this. She is unable to. It had
to be me. The good news is that I will find healing from this. The bad news is
that she likely never will. I feel sorry for her, yet I will not allow that
sorrow to control me or cause me to turn back towards an unhealthy lifestyle.
My kids need me here and now, healthy. This is my time to be a mother and I don’t
want to squander it.
If you’ve ever been on a life-saving
medication for a lengthy amount of time, I’m sure there has been a moment or
two when you’ve pondered whether you could stop the medication for a short time
and still be healthy. During my years of
intense psychiatric treatment, I often wondered if I could stop my psychotropic
medication for a week or two and pick it back up again as needed. The answer is
a rather loud and resounding “no” by the way. Don’t ever try it. Please, for
the love of your sanity, don’t try it. I did it a few times over the years, in
the thick of things and it was the absolute worst decision at the time. The
same can be said for lifting healthy boundaries and allowing unhealthy people
to leak back through into your life. You will backslide in a big way. Bigger
than you ever imagined, undoing years of work. Yes, I know that sounds
ridiculous to someone just beginning their healing journey and yes, I realize
that some folks must try it themselves to figure it out. I implore you not to
if you can help it. Some of us have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, washed
it a million times, and hung it out to dry, only to find out the results are
the same – or worse – every time.
The discerning sets his face toward wisdom, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth. -Proverbs 17:24
There is precious little I want more
in this life than to hear “well done” when I face judgment day. As a Christian,
I want to walk closely with Christ, in obedience to His will. As a wife, I want
to love and help my husband achieve his greatest goals in life. As a mother, I
want to train my children to love God and obey Him, no matter the personal
cost. As a friend, I want to carry my friends to Jesus and walk with them in
our moments of joy and need. As a writer, I want to inspire others. All of this
I do because Christ first loved me and gave me the strength to overcome every
trial that has ever sought to devour me. If I did not heed God’s warnings that
evil is not to be tempered with, I would not be healing at all. I would be the
same person I was 30-odd years ago, being controlled by an evil, narcissistic,
manipulative man and his wife whom I called “mother.”
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| My blessings from the LORD |
Children are a gift and a blessing from the LORD. - Psalm 127:3
Stay
tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week
on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a
loved one is in danger, get help right away, and don't stop talking until
someone acts on what you're saying.
National
Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish,
and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual
Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours.
https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
In Christ alone our hope is foundRun, don't walk
for help! You're worth it.
