Some will say "Do it scared" (one 'r'). I say, do it scarred. Is there any other choice when parenting while working through past trauma? You can't sit on the sidelines and let the kids raise themselves. You have to do it scarred. But you never, never, never have to do it alone.
When my girls were little, I was always triggered by bathtime. It scared me to be around them when they were naked. It wasn't that I was afraid I would hurt them. It was that I had flashbacks of my abuser hurting me in my most vulnerable state, and I wasn't sure how to work past that. I found that if I got busy and cleaned the bathroom while they played in a small amount of water, and I allowed them to get silly and splash and tell jokes and giggle, it helped us all relax and enjoy bathtime more.
My enemy has chased me.
He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
I am losing all hope;
I am paralyzed with fear.
I remember the days of old.
I ponder all your great works
and think about what you have done.
I lift my hands to you in prayer.
I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
+Psalms 143:3-6 (NLT)
When I focus on my own pain, I'm scarcely able to function. I become intolerant, short-tempered, jumpy, verbally abusive, and emotionally closed off from others. This isn't a fertile ground for parenting, so I have to be intentional about how I work around my triggers. They're not going to control me, even though they attack me, often without provocation on my part. I'm going to utilize every coping skill in my toolbox and do what I need to do, scarred.
Scars don't remain ugly and glaringly visible all the time. As the scar heals, it tends to become a lighter shade of our natural skin color, and sometimes will almost disappear entirely, to the point where you have to really look for it to see it. That's my goal with the scars I possess. I can't pretend they're not there. I also can't claim all of them as my own doing. Some of them were inflicted by others and serve as a reminder that boundaries exist for a reason. (More on that at a later time).
God blesses you who are hungry now,
for you will be satisfied.
God blesses you who weep now,
for in due time you will laugh.
+Luke 6:21 (NLT)
This past Sunday, I was in a lot of physical pain from a recent surgery. The pain was so bad that my eyes were tearing up. I began to pray for God to take the pain away so that I could focus on the sermon better. God's response wasn't what I expected, but it was what I needed. He replied "You don't need Me to take away the pain. You need to focus on Me, like Peter focused on Jesus when he walked on water." So I did just that. By the end of the day, my pain was completely gone. Amazing how simple the solution is, isn't it?
But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”
Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”
“Yes, come,” Jesus said.
So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”
+Matthew 14:27-31 (NLT)
You don't really need any special tool to keep your eyes on Jesus. If you're reading this blog posting, you have a computer or a cell phone. Pull up a Bible app and read it. I suggest starting with the Gospels, or if you're really distressed, start with the Psalms. They're shorter and more easily digested when in emotional and spiritual distress. Pray about what you read. When I was healing from addiction and adultery, I would spend time praying over Proverbs 31 every day, begging God to form me into a Proverbs 31 woman. I also really like Psalms 143. Later, when you're in a good place, take a look at Psalms 104. It's my favorite. It shows how God works for the good of all His creation. My favorite verses are 21 through 23. Can you guess why? Let me know in the comments.
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
+Philippians 4:13 (NLT)
Me, showing off my silly Christmas earrings
Stay tuned for another episode. And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, suicidal ideation, self-harm, child abuse, neglect, and anxiety and mood disorders are mentioned below. If you are triggered by any of these topics, PLEASE close out the page and do not continue reading. Take care of yourself first and stop worrying about what others will think of you. It took me 25 years after the event to write this all down. You are not weak, or broken. You are strong and have been strong for far too long, trying to manage a difficult situation on your own. You are worthy of help, of love, of support. Please never doubt that.
Sometimes the details are a little fuzzy. I remember the giddiness of the final planning stages, the gathering of the household toxins, and the mixing of them in the bathroom behind a locked door. My mother was cooking dinner. My brother was completing his homework, or so he said. My stepdad was drunk in front of the television, loathing life and everyone in his life. I'm not sure where my sister was, but I'm sure she was playing with toys or counting cards or rifling through her treasures in the purse she kept around her neck. It hurts to mention her as part of this memory, as she's the only one who isn't still alive. Thankfully, her death wasn't a suicide. It was a natural death. I've discussed it before HERE.
The event I'm disclosing here in detail is my one and only semi-successful suicide attempt. I was 15 and thought that life was over for me. For two minutes, I was medically correct. I did die. It was glorious...until I was revived and had to face the truth the following day. I'll get there. One step at a time.
No one asked me with any real conviction or desire to hear the truth whether I wanted my stepdad to return home after he'd "served his time" for abusing me. Instead, what I got was a barrage of comments such as "Oh, this has been so hard on your mother." And "won't it be nice to have him home again to help your mother out?" And "Money won't be so tight if he comes home." No one ever offered the alternative. No one questioned how it would affect me. No one seemed to care.
Feeling backed into a corner like a feral cat in peril of losing its life if it struck out at its captors, I reluctantly stated "Sure. He can come home. It'll be nice to see Mom happy again." I felt like a martyr - like I'd saved my family while putting my needs on the back burner. I was a hero in my own mind, and in the comments that came from others around me. "How mature you are to forgive such an egregious crime against you!" "How selfless you are to think of others first." "She's wise beyond her years" some would say in close proximity of me to others, then turn and smile at me. I was meant to feel like a hero. Except I didn't. I felt small. I wanted to die.
Suicidal ideation starts out small and infrequently takes over the mind in daydream form. First, you think things such as "I can't handle this. If I were dead, this wouldn't matter anymore." Then you start to think about all the things you would no longer have to bear if you were dead. Again, this starts out slowly, but like a snowball rolling downhill, it grows until it absolutely consumes you. If you're not discussing these feelings with anyone, then they grow faster because you have no interruptions - no rebuttal. When you're a kid and your whole life belongs to your parents, you don't see any other way out sometimes. You can't. It's like a prison with only walls, no windows, no lights, no visitors, no hope. The thoughts consume you until they become your only source of hope. Suicidal ideation becomes your new obsession.
Once I decided on the day, I decided on the place. I decided on the time. I scouted it all out to make sure it would work. I chose school, in the upper portion of the gymnasium on a day when I knew with absolute certainty that no one would be using it. Our gym teachers had a rhythmic schedule and I knew it well. My plan was foolproof. The school nurse wasn't even supposed to be on-site during the time I'd planned to kill myself. It was perfect.
After combining all the household toxins I could easily get my hands on, I raided the medicine cabinet and combined everything in there, into a cough syrup bottle that was nearly empty. Pills, nail polish removed, cough syrups, and household cleaners all went into the bottle. I shook it carefully and nestled it deep into the bottom of my backpack. I was all set. The next morning, I added a water bottle just in case it was tough to swallow everything in the cough syrup bottle. My plan was to take sips of water to help wash it all down.
In the girls' bathroom, directly across the hallway from the main office, I downed the concoction. It burned my throat as I swallowed it, but I was impressed by how quickly I was able to drink it. A nosy cheerleader in my grade came into the bathroom and asked if I was in there crying again. I told her that yes, I was crying, but it was because I had failed a test. She didn't believe me and proceeded to give me a trite speech on how life has ups and downs, and we just have to rely on our friends to get us through. Better days were coming, she asserted! I wanted to punch her in the face but reminded myself that it would all be over soon, so I stayed in the stall until she left. Then, I made the short trek down the hallway, and up the back stairs to the upper gymnasium. I remember my throat burning the entire time, and the stairs were wobbling a lot. I think I tripped a time or two as I climbed the stairs.
Once on the upper deck, I climbed under the bleachers towards the middle of them. I didn't want to be spotted easily. I wanted to make sure I was good and dead by the time anyone might spot me. I remember lying down and checking the bottle to make sure I'd consumed every last drop. There was still another sip or two left in there, so I drank it. That's the last thing I remember before thinking "I'm sleepy. This feels nice."
It is hard to think about the rest. It hurts me now. It hurts because I hurt my (now) husband, my best friend (who has since passed away due to a losing battle with leukemia), and because my life still isn't what I had hoped it would be. I'm not a famous writer, nor am I a teacher yet. I've made few advancements in either area, and I still have people who wish me dead. But I am not among them. Writing this down makes me so sad because I am not that girl with no hope anymore. I have immense hope - in Jesus. And I have made it through every single one of my bad days - and so many more good ones! My hope is that by writing this down, I can give a voice to the sad girls and boys out there who don't understand why they're feeling this way, or what to do about it! Maybe it will bring peace to someone who is talking about these feelings and wants to know they'll pass. (They will).
I woke up, surrounded by paramedics, my mother, the school nurse, a teacher, and some students who were feigning worry about me. In truth, I think the students just liked the drama of the situation, and no, I won't apologize for that assessment. In the 25 years that followed the event, only two have ever mentioned it to me with any sort of empathy. One of them, I married. The other one I annoy weekly on Facebook Messenger. 😉
Keeping my eyes open was difficult. They wanted to remain shut. I couldn't hear very well. Everyone's voices were garbled like I was several feet underwater and they were on the shore, shouting at me. My body felt heavy, and I didn't know how to move anything - not even a single finger. I was relaxed and not in control of anything. When my eyes opened, I was not sure why. Did I have more control than I thought? I don't know. What I remember most profoundly was the black void prior to seeing their faces. I was in a black void, without a body. I was surrounded by something warm and comforting, but it had no face, no physical representation I could see. It was love. I felt loved beyond anything I had ever felt before. This love was a physical, unseen force that was holding me in this black void. Sometimes I wish I could go back, just to feel that unshakable level of love again. Was it Jesus? Probably.
In truth, I have no recollection of how I got onto the gurney or down the stairs. I briefly remember opening my eyes as I was wheeled out the front door of the school. I saw the grey-blue sky that is so common in Brookings, Oregon in early spring. There were clouds, I think. And then I don't remember much else other than paramedics poking me and prodding me, and trying to talk to me. They were shouting, I think. It was hard to hear, hard to comprehend, hard to keep my eyes open, hard to admit defeat or to even understand that my plans had been defeated.
At the hospital, the nurses were a mixture of angry, sad, and comforting. Some were mad at me for "doing this" to my mother. Some were sad that I felt I had "no way out at such a young age" and some were comforting and asked what they could do or say to help. I hated them all. I was so angry. I had tasted death and wasn't allowed to stay there at the buffet table. One taste and it was all ripped away from me. Fuck them. Fuck them all, I thought to myself. I will try again. I will succeed. I just had to convince them for a while that I was fine, I was glad they saved me. I was glad they were so heroic in their endeavors. Yay for life, and all that useless, meaningless bullshit. I stayed as quiet as I could and just observed them all, searching for a loophole so I could try again. I hated no one more than my mother. She was supposed to protect me and never did. Now she wouldn't even give me what I wanted most - relief. Even now, writing this all down, I'm struck by how much I still resent her for failing me as a mother. It's like a bitter taste in my mouth that makes me want to throw up just to get rid of it. I am aware of the issues there. Thankfully, so is Jesus.
The weeks that followed were a mess. I did visit my friends at school during the lunch hour, but I wasn't able - or allowed to return to school. Instead, I was sent to an alternative school for the kids who were on probation or were still nursing their babies and couldn't handle a full course load on their own. I sat between a thirteen-year-old Mom and a probation officer for a boy who had bullied me all throughout the fourth and fifth grades. I excelled at school in this environment and often finished a week's worth of schoolwork in a mere four hours. Because of this, I got ahead in my coursework and began taking honors classes. I would have graduated high school if I had stayed at the alternative school, but I didn't. One of the girls there had a problem with me and enjoyed starting fights when no one was looking. The administrators got tired of it and sent me back to the public school. She graduated high school, but I did not. She's married to a felon and is one herself. She has multiple baby daddies, and I am married to my high school sweetheart, with no criminal record. It all worked out the way it was supposed to, I guess. At the time, it sure didn't seem like it ever would work out in my favor.
Looking back, I see such a sad, depressed, hopeless girl. I see such an obsessive thought process, with a mind closed to any other alternative than suicide. I now possess so many more coping skills and am in a much better place. When I even begin to think about suicide these days, I have an action plan I follow every time. I alert my husband and a few close friends, and I put out a post on Facebook, asking for prayer. I let my doctor know what's going on, and if they're a new doctor, I bring them up to speed on my medical history. I check my diet and clean it up if necessary because that really does help. I also force myself to sit outside in a location I enjoy. I stop all housework, all tasks that do not bring me joy, and I focus on prayer, on recalling all the current blessings in my life, and ... I'll be honest, I picture the look of horror on the school nurses' face when she found me under the bleachers. Her face is tattooed in my mind. It's the saddest image I've retained from that day 25 years ago, and I hope to never cause anyone that kind of agony again. She truly did care for me.
I can't go back and fix anything that happened. I can't - and I wouldn't want to - take that moment back. It taught me a lot, and it helped shape the woman I am today. To those who say that it made me weaker in their minds - too bad for you. How's your life working out for you now? I'm stronger because of the fight to survive following that attempt. My journey has been so ugly and messy at times. I cringe, remembering who I was, where I've been, and all the bridges I burned along the way. I now know which way to never return to. I have an answer ready when someone asks if it was all worth it. I have an answer ready when someone asks if I am proud of myself. And I have an answer ready when someone asks if I would ever try it again. (No, I wouldn't.)
Trying didn't weaken me in the ways I thought it would. It also didn't strengthen me in the ways I'd hoped it would. Instead, something totally different emerged. I became empathetic, understanding, and compassionate, and as life continues to kick my ass at times, I become more nonjudgmental of others. There's still a lot of work to be done, but at least I'm alive to do it now.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
During the month of September, I've vowed to read a chapter of Proverbs a day. As I read through the book of Proverbs, I rediscover ancient wisdom that is just as prevalant today as it was the day it was written. I'm amazed by the amount of knowledge just waiting to be put to good use. There is nothing to stop us from utilizing it in our every day life, except for unbelief, right?
Today I was hit hard by Proverbs 9:7-9 (NIV) which states "Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse. Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you. Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still; teach the righteous and they will add to their learning." This scripture reminded me of my stepfather, and I went into last week's post and edited it to add this scripture. I felt it was more poignant than the one I'd previously included.
Scripture is a double-edged sword and it can undo, heal, or explain so many years of hurt and torment. Was the problem really you? Or was it the person who chose to inflict the pain that was the problem? When should we step back and stop the relationship? Scripture can help answer all of those questions, but we must engage in the reading of scripture in order to find it.
Proverbs 1 begins with a list of all the wonderful benefits you'll gain from reading them. You'll gain wisdom and instruction, understand words of insight, gain prudence, and knowledge and discretion, to name a few! There are countless more benefits, but you'll need to do more than just take me at my word. You'll need to dig into God's Word and seek the blessings and benefits for yourself. There are 31 chapters in the book of Proverbs, and many months have 31 days in them. So you'll simply start with the corresponding chapter to the numeric date. Since the day I'm writing this is September 11, 2023, I will read Proverbs 11 today. Tomorrow I will read Proverbs 12 and so on. Perfection isn't the goal here - simply starting and gaining any level of progress is.
For the Lord gives wisdom;
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
-Proverbs 2:6 (NIV)
We aren't going to get very far in life simply trusting others to teach us everything we need to know. The world has very little to offer us. Even our parents fail us time and again. We have to seek wisdom at it's source. For too many years, I looked to others to tell me what to do. I felt so broken. I thought I could find answers in religion, in tradition, in secular counseling, in medicine, in books, through movies or television shows, in talking to friends, in listening to lectures and podcasts and radio shows - the list goes on. What I ultimately have found is that I never outgrow the need for the Bible, never outgrow my need for God, and that each time I read His Word, I rediscover a deeper meaning of the texts within. I mature in my faith and grow as a Christian woman, wife, and mother.
The pain inflicted upon me by my parents is now mine to fix or to roll around in like a pig in mud. I can make it my handicap or I can make it my strength, because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! +Philippians 4:13
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
PSYCHOANALYSIS
self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.
(References from the Oxford Languages Dictionary)
I can't see him any other way. The most glaring attribute about my stepfather is that he is a narcissist and he greatly enjoys inflicting pain on others - until someone calls him out on his behavior. Living with him was utter hell on earth. If we did our chores, they were somehow done wrong. If we didn't do our chores, we were lazy. He didn't want us to take the initiative and fix things on our own, but he would complain about how everything was his job and that he was tired from working long hours at his job away from home. When we offered to help, he would become annoyed. We were too stupid to help, according to him.
Children were to be neither seen nor heard, yet somehow they were a blessing to be enjoyed. When the children made any noise at all, I was asked to control them. They were "clearly out of control" (to him and him alone). If the kids were excited about a free outing, like a walk to the beach just down the street, that was simply out of the question. What an exorbitant trip that was wasteful of time, money, and resources in his eyes, even though not a dollar was spent, and the only resource was our own bodily energy spent walking up and down the hill to the beach.
When he was able to play the hero, he greatly enjoyed lording that power over us. It made me feel small and scared. Often, I just wished to die. I wished the earth would just swallow me up whole and take me straight to Jesus. I felt like I was drowning, and I barely had the strength to save my kids some days. It took every ounce of strength I had to survive that hell. I can understand a little bit of my Mother's stance now. When you get broken down for so long, and so hard by the same person - one that is supposed to love and care for you - you start to just melt into a wiggly puddle of Jell-O yourself and become incapable of much else other than blind compliance. It's just easier that way.
I often wonder if my Mother had narcissism narcolepsy. She was just asleep at the wheel, dead to the world from being so exhausted by his endless bad behavior and verbal beatdowns. Was that why she abandoned us kids and continues to do so to this day? Do I have this issue as well? God, I hope not.
Scripture helps us discern whether we, and those around us are mockers or wise.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
Healing takes time. You can actively take steps to facilitate it, but you cannot will it into existence any faster than it's meant to happen. As I heal from the trauma of childhood, more and more little issues crop up that I need to heal from. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Other times, it feels frustrating, and at times, I am simply sad. There is such a complexity to healing that even I don't fully understand what it all entails. Thankfully, God does.
The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.
- Psalm 23:1 (NLT)
One of the avenues towards healing that has been the most helpful for me is to reduce my stress load. Often that looks like isolation to some folks, but it isn't. It's careful consideration of who I allow in my space to occupy my time and brain space. It's setting firm boundaries and making sure to only fellowship with folks who are supportive and mature in their faith. I'm not yet at a place where I'm able to minister to argumentative unbelievers on a daily basis, and that's okay. I know my limits. What are some of your limits and how has recognizing them impacted your growth and healing process?
He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams.
-Psalm 23:2 (NLT)
Another very successful avenue towards healing has been to dig deep into my faith life and read my Bible often, pray often, and spend quiet time in nature, listening to God. We cannot hear Him speak if we are not actively listening. We cannot actively listen to Him if we're allowing distractions from the world into our lives all the time. We have to create a space for Him to speak to us. In the garden, with my ducks is where I feel most at peace listening to Him. Where is your peaceful place? Are you able to make time to go there daily? If not, why? What can you do to make more time in your daily schedule for that peaceful time?
He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
- Psalm 23:3 (NLT)
Making sure to check in with God and evaluate my thoughts, words, and actions is important in my healing journey as well. Keeping a journal can help, having accountability from fellow Christians is important, and keeping active in some sort of Bible study or corporate worship is also important. Bottom line - you need a community around you. However, be very discerning about the company you keep. Not all churches are good for you because not all churches rightly teach the Word of God as it is written. 1 Timothy, chapter four reminds us what to look out for when we're looking for a home church. Read it, pray about it, and heed the warnings given there. My family has had to flee from several heretical churches that posed as Bible based but really were not.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.
-Psalm 23:4 (NLT)
Look around you and make sure your friends and family are supporting you and not fighting you. Recently, I had to make the hard choice to sever a relationship with another one of my family members who was making derogatory comments about Christianity. Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that we're not fighting against flesh, but against unseen principalities that seek to do evil in our world. I know this is true, and have personally experienced it a number of times. Unfortunately, so do several of my close friends and Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Last week, two of my dear friends completed suicide. The news was incredibly sad. Because of my close walk with the Lord, it didn't devastate me as it would have in years past. I did spend a few days crying and am still prone to break out into tears, as one will do when they mourn. Walking close to the Lord helps though. He is showing me how to mourn in a healthy manner that does not detract from my own healing.
You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings.
- Psalm 23:5 (NLT)
As I walk with the Lord and abide in His Word, He does bless me in many ways. I had been working outside of the home for a few months and He brought me back home and reminded me of my worth here, in the ministry of my children. He reminded me how much greater it is to be faithful in the small, everyday, mundane things than to focus on being a small fish in a big pond trying to get noticed. He has sent new friends my way, enriched old relationships, given me ample opportunities to pray for others, opened my eyes to new gifts, blessed my marriage, and provided me with more ducks (I now have 16 ducks on my homestead, and several of them are laying eggs. I got nine of them for free!). There are countless more gifts and blessings tucked into each and every day. It's nearly impossible to go more than an hour without expressing intense gratitude towards God - even in this season of mourning the loss of two of my friends.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
-Psalm 23:6 (NLT)
God is a God of absolutes. He will never leave us. He will love us into eternity. He is always with us. God is good. There is no darkness in Him, therefore, a life spent walking with Him will always produce goodness, unfailing love, mercy, blessings, healing, growth, and fruits of the Spirit.
A video of some of my ducks - the blackest ones are Cayugas and were free to me. The other 7 are a runner mix, and we adopted them from Tractor Supply on Mother's Day. Anthony built their coop from the free and recycled materials we had on hand. The ducks are only in their coop when we are in bed, otherwise they free-range in our fenced property. Their housing situation will change once the weather starts to change, and their need for night-time warmth changes.
Me, happy in my Christmas jammies a couple weeks ago, sleeping in our tent in the backyard with the kids.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
Let me preface this by stating that I do not advocate for total police reform in any way, shape, or form. I don't believe that would be helpful for anyone involved, especially the police and taxpayers. It would do more damage to too many of those already bouncing around within the judicial system, and it would criminalize police officers who truly don't deserve that type of harsh scrutiny in the first place. What I am advocating for is more education and compassion from mental health providers and a symbiotic relationship to develop between police officers and mental health providers so that this type of situation never happens again.
Irvo Otieno was pressed to the ground in full restraints by ten people for more than ten minutes. His life was pressed out of him. There was never any hope for resuscitation - just as there should be no hope for judicial resuscitation of the ten who willingly murdered Irvo Otieno, and the hospital workers who willingly stood by, observing the murder of Mr. Otieno. It is my hope that these folks are all persecuted to the full extent of the law and receive lengthy prison sentences.
This was not a racial attack. If you'll kindly educate yourself and watch the video, you will notice that almost every person in the room with Irvo Otieno was black. There was at least one caucasian person in the room as well. This is also not a total attack on police, as I've stated above, there were hospital personnel in the room as well. At any time, any one of them could have - (and should have) spoken up about the inhumane treatment of a mental health patient.
As a teenager, I was sent to multiple mental health facilities during a mental health crisis. During my time there, I saw at least one person a week in an out-of-control mental health crisis. The medical team there was able to quickly subdue the person via a tranquilizer injection. It was a simple, swift motion in the backside - usually in the butt cheek - that subdued the patient almost immediately. Every time I saw this done, the patient was out of control and threatening to harm either themselves or the staff. It took three average-sized nurses (under 200 lbs, ranging from barely 5 feet tall to around 6 feet tall) to subdue the patient. Never did I ever see them physically harm the patient, or press their full body weight on the patient. It simply wasn't necessary.
When someone is in a full-blown mental health crisis, there is no reasoning with them in that direct moment. It's not possible. Let's consider what happens to a hurt animal when someone tries to put them into a cage. What happens? They try to attack, try to escape, and want to run away to someplace that feels safe to them, so they can calm down, regroup and develop a game plan. It's a primal response to feeling unsafe. Now, let's consider what happens when a human feels unsafe. Harvard Medical School has an excellent article regarding the stress response. ("Understanding the Stress Response", Harvard Health Publishing, Harvard Health Medical School, July 6, 2020; https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response) I encourage all of you to take a moment to read it.
There is another fascinating, in-depth study conducted by the National Library of Medicine that discusses physical restraint in mental health nursing. (Ye, J., Wang, C., Xiao, A., Xia, Z., Yu, L., Lin, J., Liao, Y., Xu, Y., & Zhang, Y. (2019). Physical restraint in mental health nursing: A concept analysis. International journal of nursing sciences, 6(3), 343–348. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijnss.2019.04.002) Several great points are made within the article, such as the statement that " physical restraint must be implemented by qualified personnel" because both the patient and the personnel are subjected to "critical risks" through the process of administering restraint. Anyone who administers restraint is liable for the effects thereafter.
Within the USA, we, as a society have been advocating for bodily autonomy for decades. Physical restraint removes all hopes of bodily autonomy and places the entire livelihood of the person being restrained into the hands of the persons doing the restraining. This shouldn't be earth-shattering news, folks. It's common sense. There are actual laws and regulations against the use of restraint in the state of Virginia. Here is just one of the pages full of statutes I was able to pull up during a simple Google Search, using the terms "laws against the use of restraint in virginia state". (https://casetext.com/regulation/virginia-administrative-code/title-12-health/agency-35-department-of-behavioral-health-and-developmental-services/chapter-115-regulations-to-assure-the-rights-of-individuals-receiving-services-from-providers-licensed-funded-or-operated-by-the-department-of-behavioral/part-iii-explanation-of-individual-rights-and-provider-duties/section-12vac35-115-110-use-of-seclusion-restraint-and-time-out)
There are pages upon pages of laws and statutes all stating the same things - restraint is to be used only as necessary, for a short period of time. It's never to be used as a convenience, only as medically necessary, by trained staff. There are to be records kept with the patient's medical records regarding the use of restraint, or the reasons against using it. Restraint is never to be used solely for the purpose of pending criminal charges...and the list goes on.
Education is prevalent, relevant, and easily obtained for those who want to obtain it. Did the ten police officers who pressed the life out of Irvo Otieno want to obtain the educational materials? Were they denied the education necessary to preserve this man's life? We have to keep asking questions and asserting that the answers should always be public knowledge because we, the People are paying the price for the ignorance of those who are sworn to serve and protect us. This conversation is far from over. Let's keep talking, and more importantly, let's keep listening to those with firsthand knowledge, so we don't end up on the side of ignorance ourselves.
Stay tuned for another episode.See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
Death is not the end. My brain knows that. My brain loves that. On the other hand, my heart doesn't accept this. I fear the death of others to the point where I'm wholly unable to get close to someone older than me, sicker than me, or shows any sign of weakness or illness. Even if this person shows me unconditional love and friendship. I hate this about myself, and I have struggled with it all my adult years.
In the church where I grew up, funerals were the norm. There was at least one every six to eight weeks. A majority of the congregants were elderly and at the end of their lives. Death was absolutely normal for me, until it became very personal.
When I was 17, my beloved grandmother died. A few weeks later, I was sent off to summer camp because it was supposed to be a good distraction for me. It wasn't. A few years later, my sister died tragically in the same room as me. She died in her sleep, following an epileptic seizure. I didn't know until hours later when I woke up to get ready for work. Needless to say, I didn't make it to work that day. A month later, my cat died. Four months after that, another grandmother died. Three years later, I lost one twin, and then the other, twelve weeks into my first pregnancy. I would go on to suffer multiple other miscarriages after being told at age 20 that I would likely never have children, and if I ever did get pregnant, it would be very difficult for me to carry to term. That has proven true multiple times.
Recognizing that I will sabotage any relationship that is getting too close with someone who may die is one thing - actually changing my behavior is another. My behavior is deeply rooted in fear, and in order to change the behavior, I have to conquer the fear. Recognizing that God is our Creator and He numbers our days is easy to type out on paper and on the internet. Actually giving Him total control and not trying to foolishly hold onto it for myself is another thing entirely.
I once saw a popular comic where a grandson asked his grandfather what grandma was doing on a stool in the kitchen. The grandma looked worried, and was wringing her hands together. The grandfather informed the grandson that she was worrying about things, because whatever grandma worried about, never actually came to fruition. She was, essentially, protecting the family through her worry sessions.
To you, that may sound ridiculous, and I admit, I laughed heartily at the comic when I first saw it. And then it sunk it. This is me. This is how I handle life. If I worry about it beforehand, when it comes to pass, it isn't actually as bad as I thought it would be. Somehow, it seems more manageable. Until I look back and see all the other things I couldn't even acknowledge, and all the blessings I missed out on because I was so busy needlessly worrying about something that was totally out of my control.
My counselor gave me two new skills to practice this last week. I'm to work on them until our next session. The first skill is to ask myself "What can I control in this current situation?" And the second one is to ask myself "What can I not control in this current situation?" I don't like either of the questions, but I'm committed to working on asking myself these things whenever I start to worry, or find myself in a difficult situation. So far, the answers have been wholly unsatisfactory, but it has allowed me to put some emotional boundaries up regarding the things I cannot control, and even more boundaries up regarding the things I don't even have influence over.
How this pertains to relationships, I'm still working that out. I don't have control over when people die. I don't have control over how sick or how well people are. Half the time, I don't even feel like I have that control over myself. Look at the Coronavirus shitshow we just went through for the last three years. I got the vaccine and still ended up in the hospital with Covid or a variant, four times! I was wearing the damn mask, and I was socially distancing. When I needed out of the house, I went into nature - away from people. That still didn't help.
Only God knows the answers as to how and why and when people die. I'm still angry with Him for the loss of my twins. I see no good that came from that. No major life lesson, or spiritual awakening has ever come my way from losing a child. I don't understand my sister's lifelong suffering, then slipping away to Paradise in the dark of the night. I don't understand my older brother's death last June. I don't understand why my childhood friend has suffered from the rarest form of leukemia for over a decade and is now on her deathbed, according to her doctors. And I don't understand why God saved me from not just one, but four suicide attempts. Not one bit of any of that makes any sense to me. It may never. I just have to accept it somehow and move on.
Sundays have been hard for me lately. Sundays are the days when we actively walk into a house of worship and corporately worship God with our community. That has been tough to do when I'm struggling to worship Him the other six days of the week because I'm angry, confused, scared, and questioning so many of His decisions. I'm in a season of exploration and I don't really know how to effectively worship through this situation. When people fellowship, they generally ask questions about myself and my family. What do I say? "I'm angry with God. I think He made some stupid decisions and I want Him to explain Himself?" Or "I'm feeling primal right now and I want to physically release some of my aggression?" That's not appropriate. So I exhaust myself and say as little as possible, coming off as rude to others. That's also unintentional.
We have to dance such a crazy dance in order to avoid stepping on toes and crushing others' feelings. We are to consider others as better than ourselves (Philippians 2:3-11) and I understand that to an extent. I'm just not always sure how to execute it. Does that make sense?
Today, I'm very sad. I'm going to be turning 40 years in old a few short weeks. My brother is dead. I'm hoping to finally make it to his grave site for my 40th birthday. Originally, I was going to spend the weekend in NYC for the first time. I can't afford that anymore, so now I'm going with plan B. Try to see some family, and at least visit his grave for the first time, now that the snow should be cleared away for the season.
It's normal to look back on one's life and be sad, right? To look back and see all the pain, all the trauma, abuse, heartache, bad decisions, and people who are no longer with you, and just spend a little time being sad? I do see good things ahead in the future, and I see lots of pockets of joy in the past, too. I just think better times are ahead, and the past really sucked a lot of life out of me. I'm not where I thought I would be at nearly 40, and I'm wondering if I'm heading into a midlife crisis of sorts. Or maybe, I'm just rearranging, as we are all known to do at different points in our lives...
Stay tuned for another episode.See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
You may or may not have seen my Facebook post yesterday. In it, I talked about the recent car accident I was in that totaled my family's one vehicle. I was not at fault, and the other driver has been very hard to reach. Even tougher, has been getting a hold of her insurance company to find out how to obtain a rental car. In this whole mess, I've been struggling with a complete loss of control over the situation. I can't get my husband to work, my son to school, or myself to various doctor appointments this week. It's very frustrating and I don't like the feeling of not being in control. In the process of all this, I'm reminded of Job from the Bible.
I was T-Boned, and her car pushed me 20+ feet back into the turn lane. The front end of her car was inside my front end. My tie rods snapped and were broken, hood and bumper crunched.
In life, we face many trials that don't seem to make a whole lot of sense at the time. We cry, we pray, we plead with God for answers. Sometimes things just seem so damn unfair! There is an entire battle going on in the spiritual realm that we can't see and often know absolutely nothing about. God knows. Like Job, we need more faith to trust that all the trials and tribulations we go through are for a purpose far bigger than we are able to comprehend.
Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible.To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law.To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law.To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.
+1 Corinthians 9:19-27 (NIV)
Paul's treasures were never here on earth. They resided in Heaven, which is why he gave up his entire life, willingly, to secure his treasure in Heaven and encouraged others to do the same. His life is a gift and a treasure to us all. We can reap wisdom from his efforts still to this day. We can draw strength from his example. Jesus was Paul's strength. Paul, a mere man, was often weak and placed in situations where he was absolutely not in control. Yet he prospered in nearly all that he did, because he had faith and relied on God to provide all that he needed. No matter how many times Paul was knocked down, he got back up again. (the link attached is my attempt at humor. I'm a child of the 90's. 😉 )
As I pursue the other driver's insurance company to pay what they owe and help my family get back on our feet, I simply have to trust God to fill in the gaps where I'm absolutely unable to do more than I already have. I can call the insurance agent again and again. I can plead my case, provide documentation, follow through, and keep praying about the situation, and that's about it right now. It's out of my hands. I was never in control from the moment the other driver disobeyed traffic rules and hit me, to this moment right now, where I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for results.
Everything seems unfair. I've been playing back the sequence of events of that night, starting from the moment I left my driveway, over and over in my head. There wasn't anything I could change on my end without knowing the ultimate result ahead of time, which is impossible. The only explanation I can come up with is that this has always been in God's hands and I simply have to trust Him. When I start to sin and become frustrated because I'm not in control, I have to go back to Him and plead for more faith. This is a test, maybe. What I do know for sure is that this entire trial serves a purpose far bigger than I'm capable of ever understanding. To God be the glory. May my actions in this time of waiting and figuring things out, glorify His Holy Name.Amen.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
Happy Hump Day! We've made it to the halfway point in the week, folks. For some of us, that's a great accomplishment, and celebrating that is okay. Sometimes we have to take life minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. When our heart is broken, when we're ill, when we're in the midst of conflict, life is infinitely more difficult, isn't it? So go easy on yourself today. Celebrate the small wins. It's not silly. It's survival.
This morning I have kept busy so far by folding what I like to refer to as "Mount Washmore" - a pile of laundry so big it was falling off my six-foot couch. It only two days to get that big. I still have more laundry to wash, dry, fold, and put away. To be fair, a fair amount of the size was due to blankets, towels, and bulky clothing like jeans and sweats, but I digress. It kept me busy for a good hour and a half. Next, I'm tackling kitchen organization and decluttering. Fun.
As I'm keeping busy keeping my home, I'm also utilizing mundane tasks to think deeply about the past, present, and future. I'm a strong believer that history repeats itself and we need to learn from the past in order to move forward successfully in a healthy manner. We can't stuff the problems of the past in a closet and walk away. They have to be dealt with.
One issue I've been thinking a lot about is forgiveness. That pesky word keeps popping up. There is always a need for forgiveness. We are all sinners and even if we're not the ones doling out forgiveness, we're still dealing with it in some way. Personally, I'm prone to holding grudges. There is a gal from High School I have enjoyed disliking for 25 years. How petty is that? It's even uglier to see it written out like this. It's time for me to forgive and fully let it go.
What about all the big stuff? How do we forgive that? I have a simple answer, but it requires faith, trust, and work. You ready? Jesus. Jesus is the simple answer. Consider His ultimate sacrifice for us and our sins. He was totally blameless, yet took on all the punishment for our sins. We are to be like Jesus, so you do the math. We must forgive.
Forgiveness is a daily choice for me, and sometimes hourly. When I'm really focusing on forgiveness, I have to take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, and be very intentional about guarding and leading my heart. Sometimes I have to find a quiet place and sit with big feelings, talking things out with God. Often, I have to spend an extended amount of time in the Word, allowing the Holy Spirit to work within me, convicting me of sin, and prompting me to repent.
Sitting with big feelings can be really scary and it takes a lot of practice. Don't try to go it alone. Invite God to sit with you through them, and don't be shy about talking to Him as you work through things. If you feel silly or unable to talk, then write Him a letter. It's okay if you can't or don't finish. The point is to start. You will thank yourself later for this.
Christian therapy can really help as well. I don't recommend secular talk therapy for the most part. It can be helpful, but if the therapist isn't willing to allow your religion into the mix, it's going to backfire and cause more issues later on down the line. Unfortunately, I know from experience. I had a therapist once tell me to stop talking about God because "He's a myth" and talking about it made her uncomfortable. Another time, I had a psychiatrist tell me that Christianity is the basis for all mental health issues and outright refused to treat me. He then went on to tote the "positive" aspects of Buddhism.
Your Pastor is an excellent resource for locating help. If he is unable to direct you to a licensed Christian counselor, often he will know of someone who can. Many Pastors meet regularly with the other Pastors in their area to encourage each other and to ask for help with resources their congregants need. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help when needed. At the very least, your Pastor will likely commit to pray for you and that's a huge relief in and of itself. Prayer is both the least and the most we can do for others.
Remember, you can do hard things. So can I. We can do them together and we can do them with Jesus, but we cannot complete them alone. Jesus is the simple answer to all of our issues, all of our problems, and all of our questions.
Keep Moving Forward
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
