Narcissism Narcolepsy - Asleep at the Wheel

Narcissism. noun

excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance.

Similar: vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-adulation, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard, egotism, egoism, egocentricity, egomania

Opposite: modesty, diffidence

PSYCHOLOGY

selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

PSYCHOANALYSIS

self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

(References from the Oxford Languages Dictionary)

I can't see him any other way. The most glaring attribute about my stepfather is that he is a narcissist and he greatly enjoys inflicting pain on others - until someone calls him out on his behavior. Living with him was utter hell on earth. If we did our chores, they were somehow done wrong. If we didn't do our chores, we were lazy. He didn't want us to take the initiative and fix things on our own, but he would complain about how everything was his job and that he was tired from working long hours at his job away from home. When we offered to help, he would become annoyed. We were too stupid to help, according to him.

Children were to be neither seen nor heard, yet somehow they were a blessing to be enjoyed. When the children made any noise at all, I was asked to control them. They were "clearly out of control" (to him and him alone). If the kids were excited about a free outing, like a walk to the beach just down the street, that was simply out of the question. What an exorbitant trip that was wasteful of time, money, and resources in his eyes, even though not a dollar was spent, and the only resource was our own bodily energy spent walking up and down the hill to the beach. 

When he was able to play the hero, he greatly enjoyed lording that power over us. It made me feel small and scared. Often, I just wished to die. I wished the earth would just swallow me up whole and take me straight to Jesus. I felt like I was drowning, and I barely had the strength to save my kids some days. It took every ounce of strength I had to survive that hell. I can understand a little bit of my Mother's stance now. When you get broken down for so long, and so hard by the same person - one that is supposed to love and care for you - you start to just melt into a wiggly puddle of Jell-O yourself and become incapable of much else other than blind compliance. It's just easier that way. 

I often wonder if my Mother had narcissism narcolepsy. She was just asleep at the wheel, dead to the world from being so exhausted by his endless bad behavior and verbal beatdowns. Was that why she abandoned us kids and continues to do so to this day? Do I have this issue as well? God, I hope not. 

Scripture helps us discern whether we, and those around us are mockers or wise.

Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.