Narcissism Narcolepsy - Asleep at the Wheel

Narcissism. noun

excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance.

Similar: vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-adulation, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard, egotism, egoism, egocentricity, egomania

Opposite: modesty, diffidence

PSYCHOLOGY

selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

PSYCHOANALYSIS

self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

(References from the Oxford Languages Dictionary)

I can't see him any other way. The most glaring attribute about my stepfather is that he is a narcissist and he greatly enjoys inflicting pain on others - until someone calls him out on his behavior. Living with him was utter hell on earth. If we did our chores, they were somehow done wrong. If we didn't do our chores, we were lazy. He didn't want us to take the initiative and fix things on our own, but he would complain about how everything was his job and that he was tired from working long hours at his job away from home. When we offered to help, he would become annoyed. We were too stupid to help, according to him.

Children were to be neither seen nor heard, yet somehow they were a blessing to be enjoyed. When the children made any noise at all, I was asked to control them. They were "clearly out of control" (to him and him alone). If the kids were excited about a free outing, like a walk to the beach just down the street, that was simply out of the question. What an exorbitant trip that was wasteful of time, money, and resources in his eyes, even though not a dollar was spent, and the only resource was our own bodily energy spent walking up and down the hill to the beach. 

When he was able to play the hero, he greatly enjoyed lording that power over us. It made me feel small and scared. Often, I just wished to die. I wished the earth would just swallow me up whole and take me straight to Jesus. I felt like I was drowning, and I barely had the strength to save my kids some days. It took every ounce of strength I had to survive that hell. I can understand a little bit of my Mother's stance now. When you get broken down for so long, and so hard by the same person - one that is supposed to love and care for you - you start to just melt into a wiggly puddle of Jell-O yourself and become incapable of much else other than blind compliance. It's just easier that way. 

I often wonder if my Mother had narcissism narcolepsy. She was just asleep at the wheel, dead to the world from being so exhausted by his endless bad behavior and verbal beatdowns. Was that why she abandoned us kids and continues to do so to this day? Do I have this issue as well? God, I hope not. 

Scripture helps us discern whether we, and those around us are mockers or wise.

Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

 

 

 

Healing Takes Time

Healing takes time. You can actively take steps to facilitate it, but you cannot will it into existence any faster than it's meant to happen. As I heal from the trauma of childhood, more and more little issues crop up that I need to heal from. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming. Other times, it feels frustrating, and at times, I am simply sad. There is such a complexity to healing that even I don't fully understand what it all entails. Thankfully, God does. 

The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 

- Psalm 23:1 (NLT)

One of the avenues towards healing that has been the most helpful for me is to reduce my stress load. Often that looks like isolation to some folks, but it isn't. It's careful consideration of who I allow in my space to occupy my time and brain space. It's setting firm boundaries and making sure to only fellowship with folks who are supportive and mature in their faith. I'm not yet at a place where I'm able to minister to argumentative unbelievers on a daily basis, and that's okay. I know my limits. What are some of your limits and how has recognizing them impacted your growth and healing process?

He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams.  

-Psalm 23:2 (NLT)

Another very successful avenue towards healing has been to dig deep into my faith life and read my Bible often, pray often, and spend quiet time in nature, listening to God. We cannot hear Him speak if we are not actively listening. We cannot actively listen to Him if we're allowing distractions from the world into our lives all the time. We have to create a space for Him to speak to us. In the garden, with my ducks is where I feel most at peace listening to Him. Where is your peaceful place? Are you able to make time to go there daily? If not, why? What can you do to make more time in your daily schedule for that peaceful time?

He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 

- Psalm 23:3 (NLT)

Making sure to check in with God and evaluate my thoughts, words, and actions is important in my healing journey as well. Keeping a journal can help, having accountability from fellow Christians is important, and keeping active in some sort of Bible study or corporate worship is also important. Bottom line - you need a community around you. However, be very discerning about the company you keep. Not all churches are good for you because not all churches rightly teach the Word of God as it is written. 1 Timothy, chapter four reminds us what to look out for when we're looking for a home church. Read it, pray about it, and heed the warnings given there. My family has had to flee from several heretical churches that posed as Bible based but really were not. 

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 

-Psalm 23:4 (NLT)

Look around you and make sure your friends and family are supporting you and not fighting you. Recently, I had to make the hard choice to sever a relationship with another one of my family members who was making derogatory comments about Christianity. Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that we're not fighting against flesh, but against unseen principalities that seek to do evil in our world. I know this is true, and have personally experienced it a number of times. Unfortunately, so do several of my close friends and Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Last week, two of my dear friends completed suicide. The news was incredibly sad. Because of my close walk with the Lord, it didn't devastate me as it would have in years past. I did spend a few days crying and am still prone to break out into tears, as one will do when they mourn. Walking close to the Lord helps though. He is showing me how to mourn in a healthy manner that does not detract from my own healing. 

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 

- Psalm 23:5 (NLT)

As I walk with the Lord and abide in His Word, He does bless me in many ways. I had been working outside of the home for a few months and He brought me back home and reminded me of my worth here, in the ministry of my children. He reminded me how much greater it is to be faithful in the small, everyday, mundane things than to focus on being a small fish in a big pond trying to get noticed. He has sent new friends my way, enriched old relationships, given me ample opportunities to pray for others, opened my eyes to new gifts, blessed my marriage, and provided me with more ducks (I now have 16 ducks on my homestead, and several of them are laying eggs. I got nine of them for free!). There are countless more gifts and blessings tucked into each and every day. It's nearly impossible to go more than an hour without expressing intense gratitude towards God - even in this season of mourning the loss of two of my friends. 

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. 

-Psalm 23:6 (NLT)

God is a God of absolutes. He will never leave us. He will love us into eternity. He is always with us. God is good. There is no darkness in Him, therefore, a life spent walking with Him will always produce goodness, unfailing love, mercy, blessings, healing, growth, and fruits of the Spirit. 

A video of some of my ducks - the blackest ones are Cayugas and were free to me. The other 7 are a runner mix, and we adopted them from Tractor Supply on Mother's Day. Anthony built their coop from the free and recycled materials we had on hand. The ducks are only in their coop when we are in bed, otherwise they free-range in our fenced property. Their housing situation will change once the weather starts to change, and their need for night-time warmth changes. 

Me, happy in my Christmas jammies a couple weeks ago, sleeping in our tent in the backyard with the kids. 

Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.