Pulled Into Letting Go

Monday, October 24, 2022

BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP

Toxic families are like a tangled, sticky spider's web. They feel impossible to escape from sometimes. There is always the main abuser, an enabler, someone who is frustrated with the situation so they become a secondary abuser, and then, of course, the black sheep of the family that calls everyone else out on their behavior. Black sheep are a strong, courageous bunch. We don't often take "no" for an answer, we're introspective, teachable, yearning, and searching for more. We have an idea of our worth, but it sometimes takes us a while to fully embrace it.

O you who love the Lord, hate evil! He preserves the lives of his saints; he delivers them from the hand of the wicked. -Psalm 97:10 (ESV)

Abusers don't like it when black sheep put all the facts together and present their case. Enablers really hate it, too. My Mother is an enabler. She sits in her comfort zone, pretending not to see what is really going on, and just encourages everyone to live in peace. She thinks she has some semblance of power over the abuser in the household, but she is totally mistaken. He (Stepdad) has all the power over her because she laid down and allowed it.

For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions... -2 Timothy 3:6 (ESV)

My younger brother was always frustrated with the situation, and he often became a secondary abuser. There are aspects of my brother I will always cherish, but for the most part, he is just as messed up as my Stepdad, and I suspect he knows it. That would explain his multiple addictions and inability to hold onto a relationship.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. -Galatians 5:16 (ESV)

It's not easy to be the one who sees everything, taking it in, moving it around in my head, trying to fit the puzzle pieces together to compute the "why" of it all. Why did everyone turn out the way they did? Why did so much evil ever enter our household? Why was I the one to get away? Why can't they just stop?

There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. -Proverbs 6:16-19 (ESV)

Enablers have to accept at least two things in order to change. One, that they're being controlled, and two, that they're allowing it. I'm not talking about a surface understanding of this, either. I'm talking about a deep, all the way to their soul knowing and understanding. There is no way of denying this type of understanding. This is the type that actually pulls you into letting go. I wonder if that day will ever come for my Mother on this side of Heaven?

Abusers? Well, they're just like addicts to an extent. They have to first admit they have a problem, and then they have to sit with their big feelings and actually examine how big the problem really is. I don't see my Stepdad ever being the type of man who is able to do this on his own. He is the macho type that doesn't appreciate an ounce of weakness in anyone. He'd use that weakness to exert power and control, then claim to be the victim eventually.

For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light. -Luke 8:17 (ESV)

It makes me utterly sick to think about all the years I spent trying to please both my abuser and his enabler. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, always. The enabler would always have some sort of harsh criticism, disguised as a backhanded compliment. Then, to make up for hurting my feelings, there was a sudden influx of praise. The abuser would pounce, "clarify" things and leave me feeling like a wet shirt hanging on the clothesline in the middle of winter. There was never a way to please them both at the same time. I had to stop trying.

But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. -1 Corinthians 5:11 (ESV)

You'll know when it's time to walk away from your abuser and enabler. How? The very moment you wake up to the fact that you're important. You're smart. You're wanted. You're loved. You've been created by a God who knows you and has known you since before He knit you together in your mother's womb. The moment you feel that pull into letting go. That's when you run away as fast as you can, as far as you can and you don't look back.

“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you. -Matthew 7:6 (ESV)

It's time to go...see what's on the other side
of that fence, you let hold you in.

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

Friday, October 21, 2022

SHE IS MADE NEW

She was always giving hints that something was wrong. No one would listen to her or give her more than a smile and a nod when she tried communicating with them. So many were afraid of her but without a valid reason. All she wanted to do was to love others. Unfortunately, what her brain registered as love was actually severe sexual abuse. Because of her disabilities, she was unable to register that fact or advocate for herself. It was left to me, a nine-year-old. I wasn't prepared.

Melissa, shortly before her death

Melissa was born with a myriad of disabilities, yet to know her - truly know her - was to absolutely adore her. She was beautiful in her own way. Her laugh could fill every heart in the room in mere seconds. Her smile melted my sorrows and her friendship was sweeter than honey. She was my very best friend and I am so grateful to have been chosen by God to be her sister.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness... -Galatians 5:22 (ESV)

Evil has a way of seeking out the most vulnerable to destroy their innocence. Our stepdad sure had a way of destroying Melissa's. He took sexual abuse to the extremes with her simply because he could. When she died at the age of 25, she had the brain capacity of a 2-3-year-old toddler, if that. She could speak in the way that 6-month-old babies speak - incoherent babble. Throughout her life, I believe we, her family, only identified about six actual words she could speak clearly. She was an easy target for an evil man.

When she was a teenager, Melissa was put on birth control. Our Mother stated that it was because someday she may be put into a care home specifically for disabled persons and that as a legal adult, she would be able to choose whether or not to engage in sexual activities. I call malarkey on that. Our Mother knew we were being sexually abused at home and she was too weak to do anything else about it. She enabled our stepdad to molest and rape us.

Sometimes I wish my sister were still here with me. I would happily become her caretaker. I imagined my sister holding each of my babies shortly after they were born. In my daydreams, she would rock them and sing to them in her beautiful language. She would live with me and be my best friend forever. But that is so selfish. She really suffered in her short lifetime and it was God's mercy that ultimately took her home to Heaven.

Often, I wonder what Heaven will really be like. I know that we receive a new body. I wonder what Melissa's looks like. I long to hear her voice, to hear her thoughts, to say "I love you" and hear it clearly in return (though I know without a shadow of a doubt that she loved me as fiercely as I love her still).

For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. -2 Corinthians 5:1 (NLT)

There is something not often talked about in recovering from sexual abuse - at least not in my area. That's survivor's guilt. I've suffered with it over the years. When I told that lady cop about the sexual abuse I'd endured at home, I only mentioned my own abuse. My little nine-year-old brain could only comprehend so much. I failed to mention how Melissa had been violated. It was not on purpose. My brain was protecting me from the full extent of the trauma.

Melissa and I, circa 1990

It has taken me a long time to forgive myself, and, as I have previously mentioned - forgiveness is not a one-time deal for us all. Sometimes we have to choose it every day, multiple times a day. Trauma affects us all differently, and we must embrace the unique path for healing that God has set before us all, or we remain stagnant in the pain of the past.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - Romans 8:18 (ESV)