Pulled Into Letting Go

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

What Ifs? New Year, New Mindset

It's hard being stuck in my own head a lot. There's a lot of space in there for thoughts to bounce around like nasty little ping-pong balls. Lately, I have been thinking about a lot of "what ifs" regarding the way I've raised my children. What if I cut my parents off totally when I got married? What if my kids never saw their grandparents even one time? What if I had cut them off when we moved to Washington State for the first time for Anthony's Navy service? What would the kids be like now, especially my girls?

It is difficult to stop thinking about all the what-ifs because they are quite significant. I can look back throughout the last seventeen and a half years of marriage and directly correlate many mental health struggles to toxic conversations and unhealthy interactions with my family and his. So what if I had cut them off? Would I have struggled less? Would my kids have had a better mother? Would my husband have had a better wife? I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that I can stop wondering and just start doing better, knowing what an absolute difference it makes for us now. I can stop looking back and kicking myself over things I no longer have control of, and start looking forward to all the good things I can build up on.

Before the start of every new year, I sit down and write a list of goals for the year. I make sure to keep them simple and realistic. This year, a majority of my goals include things that improve my own quality of life while adding value to my family's home life as well. For example, I have a goal to learn how to use basic power tools. If I can learn to do basic things like fix the pantry shelving, help the girls hang things in their room, and repair the farm animal structures when an emergency happens, this puts less stress on Anthony while empowering me. I then set a great example for my kids. We share in the work around here.

There are other goals on my list as well. I have a passion for cooking, and I want to try a new recipe every week. One of my favorite celebrities just happens to be Jamie Oliver, and his cooking style is very similar to mine - healthy and from scratch. He has a plethora of 15 and 30-minute meals using just a few ingredients. This is going to be a fun goal to work through!

Over the last couple of years since moving into our current house, Anthony and I have struggled financially as we try to gain our footing. Each month, it seems like we'll never quite get there, yet somehow, we make it. An important goal for me this year is to improve the quality of my marriage by going on 26 dates out of the house with Anthony. This might seem small, but for us, it isn't. It's one date every payday, roughly. Our first date was on January 1st. We went for a long drive and bought some food at a grocery store on the way home. It cost us around $15 - $25 if you include gasoline for the car. The date lasted about 3 hours and was wonderful!

Financially, I didn't write down a lot of goals, except to invest in raising our own eggs and pork. Eventually, I will send a couple of ducks to "freezer camp" but not yet. I just bartered one of our pigs, Snortimer, for a female piglet who I named Äiti, which is Finnish for "mother" and pronounced like "eye-tea". My hope is that she will mate with Wilbur (named after the pig from Charlotte's Web) and make us many pork babies. I will sell one or two to pay for the care and butchering of the rest, and so on. It's a labor of love. We'll see if it pays off! May God bless our endeavors.

That is Wilbur, our first kunekune pig, way in the back near the fence.

Äiti, our new addition. She is a black kunekune pig.

Some of my ducks eating their breakfast

Snortimer was a bully of a pig. He's on the left. We bartered him for Äiti. Wilbur is on the right, the much paler pig. Both are kunekune breed.

What are some of your goals for the year?

Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

Thursday, January 4, 2024

Life Support for the Hurting Hearts on Hospice

A friend reached out to me recently to let me know her mother is being placed on hospice. I've known this friend and her mother almost all of my life. We met the first day of kindergarten and have been linked in some way ever since. Our mothers used to be best friends, too.

I feel sad that my friend's mother is not doing well. I mourn the loss of the warm, vibrant woman she used to be. My friend's mom was a playground aide when we were in elementary school, and then she worked at McDonald's. I remember playing at my friends' house and her mom always had a smile and a kind word. She is one of the nicest, most loving people I've ever known. It breaks my heart that her health is failing.

Selfishly, I cannot help but feel deep, profound sadness for other reasons, as well. I mourn the loss of the relationship with my own parents. I know it's for the best, and I don't regret severing the relationship one bit. I do, however, mourn again the loss of what could have been, had they not be toxic and abusive. I will not be taking care of my parents in their old age the way my friend is caring for her parents. All the worries surrounding their health - or lack of it, belong to someone else now.

It is an honor far more than it is a burden to care for people who are hurting, weak, afraid, dying. It is an honor to pray for such people as well. Such a heavy load upon one's heart is easily carried by our Lord, yet feels heavy at the time to each of us when we try to hold onto it.

Sometimes I think we hold onto it like a badge of honor. "Look at how much hurt I can carry. I'm strong!" But in reality, pain depletes us. It's like a hole punched in a bucket, and our strength runs out the very bottom of it, while we're holding our heads high and proud. Let Jesus plug the hole. And then hand Him the bucket. He'll hand us back what we need from it.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
+Matthew 5:4 (ESV)

Dig into your Bibles when you're sad, Brothers and Sisters. Let the Lord speak to you. Let the Lord bless you, comfort you and give you peace.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
+2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (ESV)

Stay tuned for another episode.See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.