Pulled Into Letting Go

Wednesday, December 14, 2022

SECOND-GUESSING INTENTIONS

When someone's been hurt many times, it's completely normal to second-guess everything everyone says to you. After all, your heart is rather fragile and it's not advisable to allow it to be broken again. How long should that cautiousness be in effect, though? Is there ever an expiration date to being cautious and second-guessing others' intentions?

1 John 4:1 (ESV) reminds us "Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world." I'm a firm believer in education and in boundaries, meaning I test everything to see if it is information worth retaining. If I can't find at least three credible college-level sources to back up the information, I will toss it out and forget it. That goes for the things people tell me, too.

Lately, Anthony and I have been through the wringer. It's been about 9 months of just tough stuff - one trial right after the other. Financial, emotional, relational (not our marriage - that's rock solid), and health-wise, we've been suffering quite a bit. Our church family has reached out to us a lot, and it's been very comforting. It's also been really weird. We're not used to a healthy support team. I often second-guess what people mean when they ask if I'm okay.

Ten years ago, I was an absolute mess right after I came to Christ. If I were to stand toe to toe with that woman I was then, I wouldn't recognize her and she wouldn't recognize me. We are two vastly different people on the inside. Outwardly, too in a lot of ways. God has done a miracle within me. And yet, I still wonder if others see it the way I do? The folks who are in my life now only know portions of the stories of who I was then, and a pretty clear picture of what I am going through now. I often wonder if they inquire about my well-being to gauge if I'm still the mess of a woman I was 10 years ago? Do they think I'm about to fall apart in the same ways I did then? Because I'm not...

Today, I sat down with Anthony and shared that concern with him. I was contemplating emailing my Pastor, asking him to clarify what he meant when he asked yet again if I was okay. I felt offended by the question, but I didn't want to sin, so I talked it out with Anthony first. As we talked, it became clear to me that I was misinterpreting the intent and the question. They weren't asking to see if I would fall apart. They were asking because they genuinely care for me and my family and want to help.

After so much turmoil, lies, and narcissistic and emotional abuse, it's hard to rest in or even recognize real love. It feels foreign. I don't immediately recognize it and sometimes it takes me talking it out over the coffee table with my husband to even begin to grasp the concept. Do you have that issue too? If so, I hope we both can seek God in His Word and find healing from the pain of the past so we can embrace the godly love of the future.

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

WORKING MOTHER OR MOTHER AT WORK?

Working mother. What does that term mean to you? I've had to assess many times what it means to me.

I've faced a lot of harsh judgments over the years for being a mother who has chosen to work only in the home. A lot of the judgment I think comes from envy. I married an incredible man who is more committed to me staying home with the children than I even am at times.

This year has been really tough financially. Anthony took nearly an $18/hour cut in pay hit when he lost his job in March. It hasn't changed much, even with his new managerial job. To be frank, his current job doesn't pay all the bills. We've needed a lot of help, and it's been humiliating to ask. So many times I've had to tell the children "no" to things they legitimately would benefit from. I've even turned down medical treatments because I couldn't afford the co-pay. Or the gas to get to the appointments.

Several people have harshly suggested I do the "right thing" and get a job to help my household. Respectfully, that's not the answer. And yes, I've talked it out with people farther up the financial food chain than myself. The overwhelming consensus is that no, that isn't a possibility. Stay the course and keep the faith. It's hard, but that's what I'm doing.

Do I share this for pity, or out of pity? No. I'm sharing because I'm angry. I'm exhausted. And I want to shed light on what some mothers deal with.

I'm raising four amazing, respectful, intelligent kids. Kids who love God, love church, love their community, respect their elders, and want to be the change the world needs. They don't dream of selfish careers. They dream of ways they can help others and they're actively looking for ways to do that now because they understand something that I think a lot of adults have forgotten - Jesus said to love everyone and to do it actively, every day.

This year has been so hard. At times it's been soul-crushing and I've spent so much time in prayer, in the Word, and in conversation with church family seeking wisdom, direction, and comfort. I've learned to trust others with the delicate, messy parts of life and do it in a way that isn't abusive, controlling, or completely chaotic. My kids are watching me closely as we go through this hard time, and they're noticing a big difference. Mama isn't falling apart. She's becoming more resilient, more loving, and less judgmental. Hmm. Looks like my work is paying off. Guess I am a working mother after all.

Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.