Pulled Into Letting Go

Friday, November 4, 2022

A COMMON THEME IN CONFLICT

RUN! My brain screams "RUN!" at me a lot when I'm in conflict. The instant I feel uncomfortable in a situation, I desire to run away and isolate myself. If I'm unable to do so for some reason, my backup plan is to sabotage every relationship, burn every bridge possible and drown all hope for reconciliation as fast as I can. Basically, set off an emotional nuclear bomb and then run away. Don't look back. Just run.

Knowing that the aforementioned behavior is unhealthy, I do make great strides to walk closely with Jesus and share these instincts with Him. I know that He alone can provide the strength I need to stay and see conflict through. Does it feel "icky" and difficult? Oh, you betcha! It's not my strong suit to see difficult things through to the end. I like to run. Running is totally comfortable for me. Until it isn't anymore.

There are more cycles than just the cycle of abuse that I need to heal from. As mentioned, I have an unhealthy cycle of running away just when the healing in another area begins. You may be thinking "ah, a chink in her armor!" And for the most part, you're right. I have a lot of chinks in my armor, but fortunately, my weaknesses are made strong in Christ.

Financially, I cannot run this time around when I hit conflict. It's been good for me to be forced to stay right where I am and not be able to pick up and move. It doesn't feel good right now, for sure. I hate big city living. Hate it with a passion. But...I do trust that God brought me here for a reason and I need to see it through.

When I cannot run, or I am not able to run yet my brain does something else to "protect" me. It brings up all the memories from the last time I was truly happy and convinces me that if I were just to go back to that place, I would again experience the same amount of happiness now that I felt back then. The place where I was the happiest was in a tiny town in Washington that had 158 residents. Actually, I believe at the time I lived there, it was closer to 100. It's grown a bit. I thrive in tiny town living. But my husband and kids don't.

My Pastor reminded me this week that as Christians, so often we have to set aside our personal preferences for the needs of the whole. As a Mama, I feel like I already do so much of that. When he said that to me, I wanted to run again and find a new church. He wasn't wrong, though. I was. I am. Selfishness rears its' ugly head a lot in motherhood. God wasn't kidding when He said "Women, however, will be saved through childbearing, if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control." in 1 Timothy 2:15

We can't run when we're in conflict, no matter how hard it is to remain where we are. We have to learn to sit with big feelings and untangle the web of lies that the enemy is throwing at us. If we fail to do this, we fail to thrive. We let ourselves down most of all, and accept defeat. That's not necessary because we're never in this thing called life alone. Remember, God is always with us. He's a God of absolutes. He never leaves us. Never forsakes us. Always loves us.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)

Stay tuned for another episode. I aim to crank out the blog posts three times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/

In Christ alone our hope is found

Run, don't walk for help! You're worth it.

Wednesday, November 2, 2022

THE NAKED TRUTH

Pornography and sexual abuse generally go hand in hand. As a child, I was subjected to pornography and had it readily available to me almost at all times. The urge to look at it became nearly impossible to ignore, and I succumbed to the sin of lust at a very young age. The invention and progression of the internet made viewing porn even easier. In the early to mid '90s there weren't the same protections for kids on the internet. Looking at pornography was as easy as logging into Yahoo! chat rooms and saying "hello" to a complete stranger. Sex was everywhere, all the time.

Child pornography was a new concept to me, and I have always been disgusted by the idea of it. It's as vile to me as the flashbacks of my own abuse. I don't understand it. I don't ever want to see it. I have never seen it. Thank God. I wish I had never seen even one pornographic image in my life. They're extremely difficult to forget. Something about sin burns itself into my brain and I have a hard time shaking it permanently. That's where God comes in.

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. -Galatians 5:19-24 (ESV)

God can and will deliver us from temptation and cleanse our hearts and minds when we ask Him to. Especially when we are doing so to please Him and live according to His Word.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. -Romans 12:2 (ESV)

When I accept that God has a better plan for my life, then I can make better choices. Thankfully, I did save myself for marriage, as much as was in my own power to do so (abuse aside). In doing so, I opened up the blessings and joy that is uniting with one partner that I will be with for the rest of my life. The first few months of marriage were so sweet, and I will always look back on them with fondness.

If you've partaken in the sin of pornography, first of all, I want you to know that you're not alone. Secondly, you should know that you're never too far down the path of darkness to turn around and run back to the arms of God. He's not mad at you. He's saddened by your choices because they're not His best plan for you, but He isn't angry or unwilling to work with you to turn things around. Third, there isn't any such thing as "too far gone" to be saved. Read Luke 15:11-32. Perhaps that will help change your perspective?

A book I want to recommend to everyone who is tempted by the sin of pornography or even adultery is Free Indeed: Who The Son Sets Free by Jeremiah Weiland. In it, Jeremiah points us back to the Gospel, back to God's Word, and the initial intent behind the creation of sex. It's a fantastic book and I cannot say enough good things about Jeremiah or this book.