Knowing that the aforementioned behavior is unhealthy, I do make great strides to walk closely with Jesus and share these instincts with Him. I know that He alone can provide the strength I need to stay and see conflict through. Does it feel "icky" and difficult? Oh, you betcha! It's not my strong suit to see difficult things through to the end. I like to run. Running is totally comfortable for me. Until it isn't anymore.
There are more cycles than just the cycle of abuse that I need to heal from. As mentioned, I have an unhealthy cycle of running away just when the healing in another area begins. You may be thinking "ah, a chink in her armor!" And for the most part, you're right. I have a lot of chinks in my armor, but fortunately, my weaknesses are made strong in Christ.
Financially, I cannot run this time around when I hit conflict. It's been good for me to be forced to stay right where I am and not be able to pick up and move. It doesn't feel good right now, for sure. I hate big city living. Hate it with a passion. But...I do trust that God brought me here for a reason and I need to see it through.
When I cannot run, or I am not able to run yet my brain does something else to "protect" me. It brings up all the memories from the last time I was truly happy and convinces me that if I were just to go back to that place, I would again experience the same amount of happiness now that I felt back then. The place where I was the happiest was in a tiny town in Washington that had 158 residents. Actually, I believe at the time I lived there, it was closer to 100. It's grown a bit. I thrive in tiny town living. But my husband and kids don't.
My Pastor reminded me this week that as Christians, so often we have to set aside our personal preferences for the needs of the whole. As a Mama, I feel like I already do so much of that. When he said that to me, I wanted to run again and find a new church. He wasn't wrong, though. I was. I am. Selfishness rears its' ugly head a lot in motherhood. God wasn't kidding when He said "Women, however, will be saved through childbearing, if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control." in 1 Timothy 2:15
We can't run when we're in conflict, no matter how hard it is to remain where we are. We have to learn to sit with big feelings and untangle the web of lies that the enemy is throwing at us. If we fail to do this, we fail to thrive. We let ourselves down most of all, and accept defeat. That's not necessary because we're never in this thing called life alone. Remember, God is always with us. He's a God of absolutes. He never leaves us. Never forsakes us. Always loves us.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
In Christ alone our hope is foundRun, don't walk for help! You're worth it.