She went to Heaven on a sunny day. There was not one thing about that day to complain about - except that she was no longer with us. And yet, I return to that day often when there's a storm brewing in my heart. What could I have done differently? Could I have saved her? Could I have prevented the heartache that would ensue? Was it my fault? If not, why not? So many questions have raced through my mind, tearing a hole in my heart, and causing me to retreat into the darkest recesses of my mind, searching but never truly finding relief.
My sister Melissa died on February 7, 2003. On that day, a piece of me died, too. I was no longer her sister. At least that's how I felt. And that was the most pertinent title I'd ever held up to that point. I was proud of being her sister. She was awesome. She loved without limits, without judgement, without a care in the world if she was loved back. That was just her nature. She loved.
For far too many years, that is the only narrative I have ever allowed myself to share about my sister. It felt wrong to ever think or feel something contrary. I only wanted to immortalize the good parts of her. Afterall, she was my sister. I survived, so I have to live for her - continue her legacy and make her proud, right? Every waking moment must be lived in such a way that would make her proud and honor her in some way. Same for all of my dead relatives. If I'm not doing that, I'm not truly honoring their memory, right?
Here's the thing about grief. It never dies. It just changes us. For me, grief became all-consuming in ways I'd never expected. It changed me into total sadness, and sometimes despair. Grief did not remain a feeling or emotion or a process. It became my entire identity. It sucked the life right out of me and promised me something elusive. Something I'm not even sure I understood the allure of. But it did answer a question for me. What comes next after loss?
There are five main stages of grief. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It's possible to skip around in there, to experience some more strenuously than others, and to circle back to some stages multiple times. For me, I've never really gotten past the depression stage before circling back to another. Acceptance seems somewhat elusive, as does moving on. It's interesting to face that truth now. Seeing it in black and white really rattles me somehow, but it also brings me some peace. Now I know what to work on. Now I know what to call this stagnant holding place I've been rotting in all these years. Maybe now I can move forward? We'll see.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
+Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 ESV
What I do know is that God is calling me to something bigger. It's been 21 years. It's time to move forward and let the grief transform into something else. It's time to stop living in the past and let go. One could even say I'm being pulled by my Lord and my family into letting go. I do not need to be defined by my past. I do not need to make it my entire identity. My sister is gone. My innocence is gone. I am still here and it's time to start living in the here and now.
Let's pray
Jesus, in Your name I come boldly before the throne and ask for Your forgiveness. I've been so stuck on the past, on holding it closer to my heart than I needed to. I've shut out Your power and strength, and focused on my own pain and weakness, making that my identity. This is not who You've created me to be. This is not Your will for me, either. I am sorry and I humbly repent. As I move forward in love and light, I will continue to look for all the ways that You're blessing me, healing me, and calling me into something new. I am no longer bound to my past, but to You and You alone. I love You, Lord. Thank You for healing me. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
I haven't given up on writing on this Blog. I've just given up on the few people who have negative things to say about it. I let their uneducated opinions get to me in the last week, and I stepped away for a couple of days to evaluate whether or not their opinions held any significant meaning. They don't.
This morning I was ruminating on an important conversation I need to have with someone and it occurred to me that there are different levels of immaturity and of faith.
Immaturity:
Some of us just put up with bad behavior longer because we know God's going to work it out. So go ahead and act like an immature idiot. We are not holding it against you. You're in a stage of life where the darkness is coming to light and God's going to do something big with that.
VS.
The get right with God crowd and never make a mistake or we WILL hold it against you, we will judge you, and we will share your personal details with others in the name of "prayer requests".
Faith:
Some have the faith to trust that if they sin big, God's going to forgive it and love them anyway.
VS.
Knowing that, but still striving to obey God, trusting that He's going to utilize our struggle as a growth process, bringing us closer to Him.
And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
+Mark 7:20-23 (ESV)
Furthermore, it disgusts me how many people look at a married couple and discuss divorce for various reasons. I did a deep dive into the Biblical subject of divorce and here's where I ended up -
1) I studied it because my initial understanding was that Jesus hates it and does not permit it. If that's true, then any Pastor who says there's a Biblical reason for it is lying and Pastors aren't the type (generally) to lie, so that ate at me. I realized I must be wrong, and I wanted to find the root of it.
2) Divorce is permissible for precious few. It's okay - awesome in fact, that I don't directly understand it. I just have to trust that when God calls a couple to divorce, it's for a good reason.
3) Divorce is not the answer for Anthony and me - which I already knew. God is using us to show others how to stick with each other through thick and thin, even when the commitment has been to the marriage itself and we struggled to like each other. (Hello 2010s).
4)Sometimes Pastors are wrong. They're people, after all.
Is this technically a nacho?
Finally, Anthony and I are in marriage counseling, and it's been really great for our relationship. I didn't realize that I still have a lot of work to do on my communication style. I've gotten really lazy! I'll often practice something in my head that I want to say, and when it comes out of my mouth, sometimes it's taken completely differently than I intended it to. I'm still not sure how an intended compliment can offend others - but it happens! I need to work on my wording, my tone of voice, and be a lot more patient with Anthony. That's my big project to work on with Jesus.
Real quick, before I publish this and log off to go do some housework, I want to encourage those of you, like me, who are long-suffering to keep leaning into Jesus. You're going to be tempted to take the easy way out on a lot of different situations in your life. I'm here to tell you that often the easy way is not the right way.
The simplest solution is usually the hardest to do, and that's also usually the right one. We won't always know unless we seek Jesus in His Word, in Prayer, and in Fellowship. Just be careful who you're fellowshipping with. As Anthony and I have moved over the years, we've made some big mistakes in who we've trusted to fellowship with. Go slow, get to know people really well, and then share your story if you feel the Holy Spirit prompting you to. We are so blessed to be a part of a healthy, loving, Bible-based church now.
Picture of a lovely rose because it's just so pretty!
Stay tuned for another episode. See you next time! And remember, if you or a loved one is in danger, get help immediately, and don't stop talking until someone acts on your words.
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233 Hours: 24/7. Languages: English, Spanish, and 200+ through interpretation service. SMS: Text START to 88788
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 Hours: Available 24 hours. https://www.rainn.org/
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. https://988lifeline.org/
